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This is a transcript for the Season One episode "Thanksgiving".


Charles walks in

Charles: Happy Turkey Day.

Jake: Yes! Right out of the gate.

Charles: What? What's going on?

Jake: We're playing Boyle Bingo, Thanksgiving edition. (Holds paper up)

Amy: Everyone filled out their cards with possible Charles-related scenarios. First to bingo gets 100 bucks.

Jake: I had "Boyle calls it 'Turkey Day'" on the center square.

Charles takes Terry's paper: "Boyle explains that they ate lobsters at the first Thanksgiving." They did. Back in that time, they called lobsters "ocean bugs." And... I'll just mark it off for you.

Jake: I think got the winning card here. Boyle tells us that he played Pocahontas in his third grade play.

Charles: All the girls were too big.

Gina: This is a fun one... "Boyle says, 'Gobble, gobble, gobble.'"

Charles: Well, now that I know you want me to say that, I'll just say it with two gobbles. Gobble, gobble... Gobble. God, it just sounds right that way. Ugh. I don't like this game.

Rosa: Ha! "Boyle objects to Boyle Bingo."

Charles: Come on, guys.

Terry: Boyle says, "Come on, guys." That's two for Terry.

Charles: Well, guess what. I can spoil your little game by sitting over here quietly all day and doing nothing. (Takes a seat and falls on floor) Oh! Aah!

Jake: Anybody have "Boyle falls on the floor?" No one?

Charles: That's a victory. That's a victory for Boyle. Boom!

All: Boyle says, "Boom!"

B99 intro

[Upbeat music] ♪ Season 1, Episode 10 "Thanksgiving"

Inside Precinct

Jake walks into the bullpen

Jake: Check it out, chair jockeys. While you were busy tickling the ivories on your computers, I was doing a bust. Cocaine! Thanks, Lucius. (He hands off the evidence to an officer) He ran, I pursued. Whole thing turned into an awesome car chase.

[Tense music]

Streets of Brooklyn

Jake chases the perp


Jake : NYPD!

[Perp Grunts falling and gets into a car trying to drive off ] [Tires screeching]

Perp: Come on. Move, move, move.

Jake looks into the car window: Hey there, criminal. It's me, Johnny Law.

Inside Precent

Amy sitting in her desk: Well, at least you're done early, so you have time to go home and change for my Thanksgiving dinner.

Jake: Ugh. Why do we have to dress up for Thanksgiving. I don't even celebrate that stuff. The whole holiday is based on overeating. We should be wearing velvet track suits and diapers.

Amy: Jacket and tie. Rosa's even wearing her formal leather jacket.

Rosa: It's the one without any blood on it.

Amy: You're gonna dress up, and you're gonna give a toast about what you're thankful for. Start preparing. Oh,

Jake: I prefer not to prepare for my toasts. I just wing 'em like scat jazz. [Imitates jazz]

Scully: Are we singing?

Jake: No, no, no, no.

Scully: [Singing opera]

Jake: OK... That's nice. You don't have to...

Scully: [Singing opera]

Jake: [Whispering] I'm not dressing up for your party. (Walks away)

[Singing opera]


Terry is standing by the fridge with the door open as Charles walks in

Terry: Damn it, Boyle. You left the fridge open. The door couldn't shut because of your empty pizza box.(Takes out the pizza box)

Charles: Pizza? Please. This is a butternut squash and truffle butter flatbread.

Terry: Everything's spoiled. My lunch is ruined. My chicken, my potatoes, my pasta, my meatballs, ham, my yogurt. (Takes out every meal)

Charles: Wow, that's a lot of yogurt.

Terry:  I love yogurt.

Charles: So this is your lunch for, like, the month?

Terry: I need to eat 10,000 calories a day to maintain muscle mass. My wife made me all of this before she left town with the kids. That was everything in my fridge. (Closes fridge door)

Terry: Scully.

Scully: Hey-a, Sarge. I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.

Scully: Oh, no.

Terry: Where is it?

Scully: No, I don't.

Terry: Is it in your pockets?

Scully: Oh, come on.

Terry: I'm gonna shake it out of your pockets. Turn around.

Scully: Sarge. [Grunts] Sarge!

Hitchcock; Go limp, Scully.

Scully: [Grunts]

Scully: This is fun.

(Terry shakes Scully and Charles records them)

Terry: Release your sweets.

Santiago walks by the Captains door trying to work up the courage

Captain Holt: Can I help you, Santiago?

Amy: Oh, Captain, didn't expect to see you there.

Captain Holt: In my office?

Amy: So, I just wanted to make sure that you knew about the Thanksgiving dinner I'm hosting for the squad after work.

Captain Holt: Yes, I received your "Save the date" decorative gourd, your ornamental cornucopia, and this beautiful handcrafted card of a turkey wearing a top hat.

Amy; It's a pilgrim's hat.

Captain Holt: Where's the buckle, Santiago?

Amy: The buckle.

Captain Holt: My husband's out of town for work, so of course I will attend your dinner.

Amy: Cool. Whatever. Yeah, don't worry about it, either way. It's not a big deal. [Whispers doing her victory dance] Yes!

Rosa sitting at her desk: Why so excited?

Gina: Did you make the cover of "Hair Pulled Back" magazine?

Amy: The captain is coming to my party. I'm gonna give a toast, tell him how thankful I am to have him in the precinct, and officially ask him to be my mentor.

Gina: Wait, are you only hosting dinner because you wanna suck up to Holt? Not cool. This was supposed to be about friendship.

Amy; You said you were only coming to see if my apartment was the reason I was single, or if it was my personality, like you suspected.

Gina: Yeah, but that was before I knew I could get up on this high horse. Love the view up here. Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop. (Walks away)

Break room

Holts on the phone as Jake walks in

Captain Holt: Same to you,

Jake: Your Honor. Oh, what judge were you talking to?

Captain Holt: That was my mother.

Jake: You call your mom "Your Honor"?

Captain Holt: She's a federal judge in the Ninth Circuit. What else would I call her?

Jake: Yeah, okay. Captain, paperwork is all done on that drug bust. What else you got for me?

Captain Holt: Nothing. All open cases are assigned.

Jake: Come on, there's gotta be something I can investigate.

Captain Holt: No, there's nothing.

Jake: All right, well, when there's nothing, there's nothing, you know? What can you... (drops files) Whoa! Who did that? Don't worry, sir. I will stay here all night figuring this out.

Captain Holt: I know what you're up to here, Peralta.

Jake: Damn straight. I'm trying to catch the mad paper scatterer.

Captain Holt: You want an excuse to skip Santiago's Thanksgiving dinner, because for some reason, you refuse to celebrate this holiday like a normal person.

Jake: Fine. You're right. I wanna do what I do every year - Sit at home, watch football, and eat mayo nut spoonsies. Those are spoonfuls of mayo, sprinkled with peanuts.

Captain Holt: That's revolting. Maybe so, but it's what I invented when I was six because my mom was working, so I had to make dinner for myself. My sad story trumps your insult. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!

(Charles walks by)

Both: Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!

Jake:'Thank you, Boyle.

Captain Holt: If a case opens up, it's yours. But if not, you will be at Santiago's as a professional courtesy. Dismissed. (Walks away)

Jake: From what? I thought we were just chatting. We never chat anymore.

Amy's apartment

Everyone is here

Gina: Oh, my God, Amy, that's so cool that you still live with your grandmother.

Amy; I live alone. This is my stuff. I like quilts.

Gina: Stop. Each sentence is getting sadder.

Rosa: It looks like you live on the set of Murder, She Wrote.

Jake; Well, I gotta say, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, the football game's not on, so I can still watch it later at home. And it's kind of cool to visit a time before electricity was invented.

Amy: I have to practice my toast.

Jake: God, how long is that?

Amy: Eight pages.

Jake: Single-spaced?

Amy: Double-sided.

Jake: Santiago style.

Amy: Mm-hmm.

Terry: Hey, excuse me. Can we please eat? My body is starting to digest itself. Terry needs nutrients.

Amy: No eating until the captain gets here. Okay? Sorry.

Rosa: Don't apologize. I'd rather spend Thanksgiving at your house than with my sister.

Rosa's sister house

Rosa is sitting on the couch with her sister and nieces

Niece: "Things you find a the beach." For "S", I had seagull.

Rosa's sister: Good one, Diana! Ice cream break.

Niece: Yay!

Rosa: Yay.

Amy's apartment

Rosa: It's so pleasant and boring. But, Holt, at your house, surrounded by these idiots? Guaranteed train wreck. Thanks for the invite. (Smiles)

[Doorbell chimes]

Amy: He's here! Okay, he's here, everybody. Be cool. Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?

Hitchcock: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

Amy: What... (walks to the door and opens it) Captain Holt.

Captain Holt: Happy Thanksgiving. Your apartment was very easy to locate.

Amy: Thank you so much. You look beautiful.

Jake appears into Captain Holt's frame: Weirdest conversation ever. Nice work, you two.


Amy standing up: Before we eat, I'd like everyone to go around and say what they're thankful for this year.

Jake: [Sighs] Fine, I'll go first. I am thankful that Thanksgiving only comes once a year. People stuff themselves, and then at midnight they run to appliance stores and trample each other to death. It's a garbage holiday. [Sniffles] I'm sorry, I just get emotional when I talk about how bogus Thanksgiving is.

Amy: I'll just go. I actually prepared a little something.

Jake: You did?

Amy holds her eight pages: When I was a little girl, playing cops and robbers...

Captain Holt: [cell phone ringing] Excuse me. Please. Continue, Santiago.

Amy; Or I could wait.

Terry: No waiting, just toasting. I want you to toast. Now I wanna eat toast. Give me some toast!

Holt: OK, I'll be right there. (Ends call)

Holt: I have to head back to the precinct. No. Why? Someone stole $10,000 from the evidence lockup.

Jake: Yes! Oh, awesome.

Holt: Why is that awesome? It's a case. You said I could hop on any case that came up. It's a Thanksgiving miracle. Have fun, you guys. Let's roll! (Peralta and Holt leave)


Holts office

Holt: You'd think that one place money would be safe is a police station.

Jake: I hear that. Remember when Santiago called you beautiful?

Holt; Yes, that was odd. We need to get this money back, the exact bills, so the commissioner's office won't make our lives hell. What is this? (They see Terry dancing on the Surveillance feed )

Jake: Uh, this is Terry dancing. People do the weirdest stuff in the evidence lockup when they think no one's watching. Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop.

Jake: Okay, so here's our money. Fast forward.

Jake: Hold it, hold it, go back. There's our guy. Got him. (They see the video of the guy taking the money) Okay, we should start by checking all the perps that were released from holding today.

Holt: Good idea.

Jake: And if's none of them, we may miss Santiago's altogether. Thanksgiving is dead! (Claps)

Amy's apartment

Terey: Santiago, can we please, please just eat?

Amy: What if captain Holt and Jake are coming back?

Charles: Hang on. I have a toast. (Stands up) I am thankful to have someone in my life who gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning. And I hope that my relationship with this person will only grow more intimate.

Gina: Who are you talking about?

Charles: Um, Hitchcock.

Terry: OK, enough is enough. I'm eatin'. [Grunts] What's in these?

Amy: Potatoes, butter, a little milk. Oh, and I ran out of salt, so I used baking soda.

Terry: Why wouldn't you? They're both white powders. Of course they're interchangeable.

Amy: Yeah.

Jake and Holt get into a car

Jake: [Grunts]

Holt: There were two men released from holding today that were the right height and weight to be our thief on the security footage. Even if it is one of them, how will we know?

Jake: Easy. The guy on the footage was left-handed. We just give all of our suspects some made-up form to sign, and see which hand they use. All right, amigo. Punch it. (Puts on shades) (Holt buckles up)

Jake: Good. Did that. (Holt checks review mirrors) Now punch it. Uh-huh. Safety first. Punch it! (Brings down window) Okay, see, now I just feel like you're messing with... (Holt drives off)

Amy's apartment

Amy; Anyone want seconds?

Terry: Can't. I'm so stuffed.

Scully: Amy, the toilet's overflowing.

Amy; What? Ew! Scully, what did you do? (Stands up)

Rosa cheers: And the night gets worse better.

Scully: I didn't do it. Although, I understand why you suspect me.

Amy: Well, then who clogged it?


Rosa walks in with food and dumps it

Gina walks in with food and dumps it

Charles walks in with food and dumps it


Amy: So none of you ate anything? Terry, you said you ate the whole turkey.

Terry: Toilet.

Terry walks in with food and dumps it

Terry: I ate one string bean. It tasted like fish vomit. That was it for me.

Amy; But I'm a good cook. You all ate those brownies I brought in last week.

Gina: I thought they were erasers.

Amy: Charles said he loved them.

Charles: I'm a textbook people-pleaser. I have a serious problem. This was great though. You must be so proud.

Amy: Yeah, Thanksgiving's over. Everybody go home. We're just... We're done hanging out together.

Charles: I-I'm not done hanging out. Let's go to the bar, they serve food there. That's a great idea.

Rosa: Oh, look at that. "Boyle saves Thanksgiving."

Charles: Does it really say that?

Rosa: No. But it does say, "Boyle believes obvious lie."

Charles: Damn it.

Night, streets of Brooklyn

Jake: So what's our strategy here? I'm thinking maybe we could do the whole thing in character. (Looks at each other) I'll play detective Bart Barley... Tightly wound, hates violence against animals. And you're my partner, Gerald Jimes... A man who solved every crime, but one... The murder of his wife.

Holt: Peralta, take this seriously.

Jake: I am. As seriously as you're taking the search for the man who killed Jane Jimes. Your only clue? He wore a yellow sweater. Eh? You're considering it. (Jake goes up the steps) Let's get in there.

Jake: NYPD. [Knocks]

Man: What's going on? I'm right in the middle of carving turkey.

Jake: I'm vegetarian. Eating meat is murder. I hate violence against animals.

Hold: Bup, bup, bup, bup. We overlooked our release form we were supposed to have you sign. We apologize.

Jake: Yeah, he's really right-handed. Let's go.


Jake: ♪ Look out, bad guys ♪ ♪ it's Barley and Jimes ♪ ♪ Barley and Jimes are on the case ♪

Holt: Please refrain from make believe this time.

Jake: Fine.

[ Holt Knocks]

Jake: Evening, ma'am. NYPD. Barley and Jimes. We're looking for Donny Romano.

Lady: Ugh. Come in. Donny, what'd you do? Cops are here.

Donny: Aww. What do you guys want?

Jake: Sorry to bother you, sir, my partner here forgot about a form we need you to sign. What's happening, Donny?

Man: What'd you do?

Donny: I didn't do anything. It's not my fault.

Lady: Same old story. It's never you, is it?

Louie: What did Donny do?

Donny: I swear, ma, I don't know what this is about. Why won't you ever believe me?

Lady: 'Cause I raised a liar. You lie.

Donny: Shut up, ma.

Louie: Hey, don't talk to ma like that.

Donny: Don't you tell me what to do, Louie!

Holt: Excuse me.

Lady: Hey! Not the rolls! George, do something.

Holt: Excuse me, if...

[overlapping arguing] You know, you're gonna get hurt. Get off now. Get off. (Donmy and Louie fight on the couch)

Holt: My wife was murdered by a man in a yellow sweater! It's the one case I can't solve. Don't fight with family. It can all go away so quickly. Sign this? (Donny signs it)

Jake: That's a hell of a breakthrough, Jimes. I'm proud of you. Also, we just caught our man. He signed with his right hand.

Jake: That's right, he did. But he didn't do it. He did.

Louie: What?

Jake: Couldn't help but notice you throwing those rolls with your left hand, boss. Not mention, this hoodie matches our security footage exactly. You stole that money when you came in to pick up your brother from holding today, didn't you?

Louie: Damn it. (Lady smacks his head)

Holt: Nice work, Peralta. So where's the money now?

Louie: It's not here, all right? I bet it all on the football game. My bookie has it.

Jake: Yes! The case continues.

Holt: This is not good.

Jake: Right. Sorry, Jimes. His father was murdered by a bookie. I know you miss him.


Holt: Our perp says the bookie operates out of a hidden back room. Try to blend in.

JAKE: Good idea. I'll just age myself 60 years, become Chinese and female. Here we go. Whoosh. (With his hands) Did it work?

Older Asian woman: $10 to play.

Holt: Oh, we're just looking around.

Older Asian woman: $40 just to look around.

Jake: All right, we'll play.

Older Asian woman: $15 to play.

Jake: All right.


Boyle: Tommy, can we order some food?

Tommy: The cook's gone. I sent him home.

Terry: Do you have any more of these pretzels?

Tommy: Sure.

(Terry takes the pretzels jar and dumps it on himself)

Tommy: I'm gonna call the cook.

Boyle: Smart. Good call.

[Amy drinking alone at a table ]

Gina: Hey, rough night?

Amy: Yeah, it certainly hasn't gone according to plan.

Gina: Aw, no. Aw, Amy, I was ordering a drink called "A Rough Night." It's tequila with a nicotine patch.

Amy: Right. (Rosa takes a seat) How do I get Holt to pay attention to me? He sure spends a lot of time on Peralta. Maybe I should start screwing up, like Jake does. I can act out too, you know?

Rosa: Please do.

Amy: Okay. Watch this. [Glass shattering] Oops.

Tommy: Out... All of you.

Terry: But the cook is coming back.

Tommy: Out!

Terry aggressively grabs his jacket: Fine! But I'm taking these olives.

Boyle: [Sighs] Sorry. Happy Turkey Day.


Woman: [Speaking Chinese]

JAKE: Ah. I think I'm getting the hang of this. These tiles are either game pieces or candy. (Bites it) Game pieces. Here we go.

[Overlapping chatter]

Jake: I think I just won.

Holt: The guy by the bathroom seems very interested in the commotion you just made.

Jake: Yeah, and he's been waiting for the toilet since we got here. Ten-to-one that's not a bathroom, and he's a lookout.

Holt: Let's go.

Jake: You got it. Ahh, I'm gonna just cash out. (Puts prices on the table and gets up)

[Speaking Chinese]

99 Station, kitchen

Boyle: There is nothing here.

Terry: Don't worry, guys, I found food. (Sets a box down and eat the packing peanuts)

Rosa: Are you eating packing peanuts?

Scully stands up: Okay, I do keep a secret stash of food in the office.

Terry: I knew it! Where? [Screams] Where?


Terry carrying Charles

Charles: Sarge, am I too heavy?

Terry: No. Where is it?

Scully: There, the one with the water stain.

Terry: There's a lot of food up there?

Scully: Yeah, it's a smorgasbord. [All screaming, Rosa is amused] I think the rats got to it.

Terry: You think?

Rosa smiles: This is the greatest thing that's ever happened.

Amy: Okay, it's over. Thanksgiving time of death: Now.

Charles: No, this will not be our Thanksgiving. All right, you all wait here. Give me an hour. Terry, to the door.

Terry: I'm just gonna put you down, man.

Boyle: Yeah, totally. That makes sense. That makes sense.


Jake: Hey, there. Bathroom?

Man: There's another one upstairs, over there. (Jake and Holt take him down) Aah. Oh! [Grunts]

Jake opens the doors and sees men gambling and the game playing

Jake whispering: Oh. Never mind. Let's go.

Holt: What, it's really a bathroom?

Jake: No, no, no. There's tons of illegal stuff happening in there. But they're watching the football game and I DVR'd it. I don't wanna see the score.

Holt: What?

Jake: Okay, fine. We'll go get the stolen money.

Jake and Holt come in the door

Jake: NYPD. Freeze. Change the channel and then freeze.

Holt: Put it down! (Moves in closer)

(Jake's attacked by a man)

Holt: Put it down, put it down.

Jake being choked: This is a weird request, but will you switch places with me? I really don't wanna see the score. [Both grunting, Jake fights him off l] Oh, yeah. Thank you. That's so much better. Oh! Why are there so many TVs in here?

Officer takes the criminal off Jake's hands

Jake: Thank you.

Holt: The money was still in the bookie's safe. All the numbers match. Let's head back to Santiago's party.

Jake: Ah, no thanks. I think I'm gonna head home and watch the football game, (looks around the room) which was ruined for me!

Holt: What's your problem with celebrating Thanksgiving?

Jake: It's a sucky holiday. It's always sucked. My mom worked. My dad was gone. And I sat at home, watching football.

Captain Holt: Look, Jake. I came from a very formal family. My parents were not especially affectionate.

Jake: Really? "Your Honor" wasn't a big snuggler?

Holt: But the beauty of being an adult is that you can make a new family with new traditions.

Jake: Well, that's nice, captain, but I don't have a new family yet, so I guess I'm stuck with my awesome old traditions.

Holt: Okay. I'll tell the squad you couldn't make it.

Jake: Thank you. Before you go, can I borrow some money? I'm getting some pretty serious vibes from Wendy over there, and I'd like to take her someplace special. (Wendy waves at Jake)


Holt arrives, Amy sits at her desk, Rosa on a chair next to her, Terry and Gina sit by Peraltas desk

Holt: Hey. What are y'all doing here?

Rosa: Amy broke everything and got us kicked out of the bar. Then we got attacked by rats. It's the best Thanksgiving ever.

Holt: Fascinating.

Charles arrives with many takeout delivery people: Happy Turkey Day. Right through there, gentlemen. Not a lot of places are open, so this will be a multiethnic, nontraditional Thanksgiving.

Charles: It's a real culinary challenge. Give me 15 minutes, and then we feast.

Terry: Make it five.

Charles: You eat with your eyes, so the plating alone...

Terry: [screams] Five, Boyle!

Charles walks away

99 station outside Holts office

Amy approaches Holt: Captain?

Holt: Hm?

Amy:  I wanna tell you something. I think you're... Like, when I was a little girl...

Holt: ; You think I'm like when you were a little girl?

Amy: Forget it. The moment's passed.

Holt: Is this about your toast? (Holds her age page toast)

Amy: How'd you get that?

Holt: Gina gave it to me. It's very well-written. There are several compelling anecdotes. The fonts suit the tone. Good work. (Shake hands) I do feel, however, the word choice could've been improved in spots. I marked them "Awk" for "Awkward."

Holt walks away and Rosa approaches her

Amy: That was the best thing anyone's ever said to me.

Rosa: "I marked them 'Awk' for 'Awkward'?"

Amy: It's advice. He's mentoring me. Yes!

99 station, Briefing room

It's decorated and the tables were pushed to make a big table , It's Terry, Hitchcock, Rosa, Charles empty seat, Holt at the head of the table, Scully, Gina, Amy and empty seat, whole Charles stands up

Charles: So this is kind of a play on your typical Thanksgiving dinner. For turkey, we have the Peking duck with a veggie samosa stuffing. The potatoes are the empanadas with an Ethiopian lentil stew gravy. And for dessert, some seasonal gelatin cups. Okay, I ran out of money. They're from when Hitchcock got his colonoscopy. Bon appétit. (Takes a seat)

Jake arrives: I'm here, I'm here. [All cheer] Finally something to actually be thankful for.

Rosa: What are you wearing?

Jake: Santiago said to dress up, so...

Amy: Well, you look beautiful. That's my thing now. I'm just owning it. Okay. Before we eat...

Terry: Nope, not doing that again. Move.

Hitchcock: Could you pass the, uh...

Terry: You get that hand near me again, you're gonna lose it.

Jake: Okey-doke, let's eat.

Amy: Hey, thanks for giving a copy of my toast to Holt. That was nice of you.

Gina: Oh, you're welcome. I mean, you don't have to get so freaked out around him. You were just trying to tell him you respect him.

Amy: Okay.

Gina: But, to be honest, I kinda gave it to him as a prank, 'cause I thought it would be super embarrassing for you. But I'm happy it worked out. But I would've been happy if you hated it. But I'm happy you didn't.

Charles: So, you pretty much got the disaster night you were hoping for?

Rosa: Yeah, till you made the best Thanksgiving meal I've ever had and ruined it.

Jake stands up: Excuse me! Uh, so, earlier at Amy's, I didn't give a real toast because... I didn't know what to say. But, since that time, a wise, unsmiling man named Gerald Jimes made me realize what I am thankful for. So, I'd just like to say I'm happy to be here... With my family. My super-weird family, with two black dads and... Two Latina daughters and two white sons and... Gina, and... I don't know what you are... Some strange giant baby? (Scully smiles) To the Nine-Nine!

all: To the Nine-Nine!

Boyle: That was perfect.

Jake: Uh, Boyle cries! I got Boyle Bingo!

all: No...

Jake: Yeah!