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The Tagger

JAKE: Ah, Captain. You're at my desk. Just what I wanna see first thing in the morning.

HOLT: You're three minutes late, Peralta.

JAKE: Not my fault. I had a plumbing problem.

[Jake groans when his phone goes off then he throws his cellphone away from his bed and it lands in the toilet]

JAKE: Which reminds me, I'm gonna need a new departmentally issued phone. Oh, come on, really? I'm a few minutes late, so you're gonna call me out in front of everyone?

HOLT: Good idea. Everyone? Gather round, so I can call out Peralta in front of you.

JAKE: Okay, fine. I was three minutes late. I'm sorry for doing one thing wrong.

HOLT: Oh, it's more than one thing.

JAKE: Uh-oh.

HOLT: Let's start with the Kristov murder.

JAKE: It was an amazing solve. I got him to confess in 20 minutes.

[Captain holds two pictures of garbage]

HOLT: You also mislabeled the evidence, so that confession is worthless if the sergeant hadn't caught your mistake. Here are three cases with sloppy paperwork. Here are two pictures. One is your locker. The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which?

JAKE: That one's the dump?

HOLT: They're both your locker.

JAKE: Gah, I should've guessed that. He's good.

[Holt holds up a folder]

HOLT: This folder is labeled "undies, dirty.”

JAKE: So I won't confuse it with "undies, clean." Also, who cares about all these rules? I have more felony arrests than any other detective here.

[Holt pulls the drawer out]

HOLT: You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective.

JAKE: [gasps] "Algernon." [All aww] "You guys, Algernon's back."

HOLT: Get rid of the mouse, and get your act together now.

JAKE: He's grumpy.

[In the briefing room]

TERRY: Okay, detectives, let's get started. Santiago, where are we with the Jay Street drug bust?

AMY: There are 12 keys of coke unaccounted for, but we just got a warrant to search the dealer's apartment.

TERRY: Good. Take Boyle and Diaz.

CHARLES: Dream team.

TERRY: Peralta, brief us on the vandalism case.

JAKE: Well, there's no easy way to put this, Sarge, but someone has been painting wieners on squad cars.

[Laughter]

JAKE: And apparently, they won't stop until there's a penis drawn on every cop car in Brooklyn.

HITCHCOCK: Oh, that's what he's been drawing. But what are those little round things at the bottom?

SCULLY: That's the butt.

JAKE: The butt?

HOLT: I assume you have a plan to catch this gentleman.

JAKE: Did you just say "genital-man"? Because if so, kudos, and yes, I have a plan. I'm gonna plant a decoy squad car as bait. Meanwhile, I'll be waiting in an undercover vehicle here. He's already tagged three U/C vehicles.

TERRY: He can clearly spot 'em. You should take my minivan.

ROSA: A minivan? A-ha!

[Laughter]

TERRY: You all got a problem with my minivan?

[Everyone stops laughing]

TERRY: ‘Cause my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

HOLT: That's a good idea, sergeant. We'll take the van.

JAKE: We? You're coming with me? Sir, with all due respect, I don't need backup.

HOLT: It's not backup. It's babysitting.

ROSA: Babysitting. A-ha!

[Diaz, Boyle and Santiago are looking over files for the drug case.]

CHARLES: Oh, look at this. The drug dealer got a B.A. in art history from Brooklyn college. Interesting, huh?

ROSA: How's that interesting?

CHARLES: Well, it's surprising because you would think he had studied... drugs.

AMY: I studied art history too.

ROSA: Also not interesting.

GINA: Excuse me. I know I'm just a lowly civilian administrator, but I couldn't help overhearing you're looking for some missing drugs? As it turns out, my friend here, Carlene, is a psychic, and she's ready to help you.

CARLENE: I do palms, tarot, and I have a degree in numerology from the internet.

ROSA: Ugh. Really, Gina? A psychic?

GINA: What? She's the real deal. E.G., last week, she predicted I would have a sensuous encounter with a guy named Mark. And I did.

[flashback to Gina drinking at the bar]

GINA: Is anyone here named Mark?

[Multiple guys raise their hands]

GINA: You're good.

[Back in the Precinct]

GINA: Okay, she's had visions which, frankly, science cannot account for. Also, she can get you amazing deals on ladies' footwear. She's assistant manager at Leonard's designer shoes.

CARLENE: Vision. The drugs are in a location. I see the color blue...

GINA: She sees blue.

CARLENE: And yellow. And I see the letters "L", "R", "S", "T", "W", "E", and "B."

AMY: So basically, everyone's first eight guesses in hangman?

ROSA: Thank you, Carlene. Your entire life is garbage.

[Jake approaches Terry’s desk]

JAKE: So Holt's coming on my stakeout now? I made a mixtape with some very explicit rap on it, and now I can't sing along.

TERRY: You made a mixtape?

JAKE: Yes, I still listen to cassettes. This guy is all over me. I mean, a Captain on a minor vandalism case? It's insane.

TERRY: What's insane is how you refuse to get with the program. There is a new sheriff in town, Jake.

JAKE: Well, I like the old sheriff. I mean, McGintley wouldn't care about a messy desk or all these stupid rules.

[In a flashback, Jake stands with a taser and everyone stands behind him chanting]

ALL: Tase, tase, tase, tase, tase...

MCGINTLEY: Hey! What the hell's going on here?

JAKE: Science experiment. I wanna see what happens if I taser this cantaloupe.

MCGINTLEY: Okay.

ALL: Tase, tase, tase, tase, tase... Aha. Oh! Yeah! [Cheers and applause]

[in the present time]

JAKE: And McGintley wouldn't care if I was three minutes late 'cause he was always an hour late and hungover, and he would let you do literally anything you want if you gave him a hamburger.

TERRY: Did he let you play your mixtape?

JAKE: Okay. That's very funny.

TERRY: Get an iPod, man.

JAKE: Mixtape.

[Charles is still with Carlene and Gina]

CHARLES: I just want to apologize for my fellow detectives’ behavior. Okay, my granny also had the gift.

[In a flashback, Boyle is setting in a hospitaI chair while his grandmother was on the hospital bed]

GRANNY: I feel that I will die soon.

[In present time]

CHARLES: She was right. She died two years later.

CARLENE: Your sincere belief in my gift means a great deal. Vision. The woman you love, the one you work with, the scary one with the black hair...

CHARLES: Rosa. Yes?

CARLENE: She doesn't love you back. She will never love you back.

GINA: Say "thank you," Charles. She just told you your future.

CHARLES: Thank you.

[Jake reaches Terry's minivan, Captain Holt is sitting in the driver's seat]

JAKE: You left without me.

HOLT: You were late again.

JAKE: Well, I had to put on my undercover minivan disguise. Say hello to Harvey Norgenbloom, CPA, recently divorced father of two with a dark sexual secret. What's your cover?

HOLT: Angry Captain.

JAKE: Okay, so you do not like my ensemble.

HOLT: I'm just concerned that you may find it hard to pursue a criminal on foot while wearing man sandals.

JAKE: But the sandals define Harvey. He's a sandals guy. [sighs] Captain, why the babysitting? Why are you micromanaging me?

HOLT: You think I wanna be sitting here with you instead of running my precinct?

JAKE: Yes.

HOLT: It was a rhetorical question. I've spent the last 12 years fighting for my first command, and I'm not gonna let you screw it up because you refuse to take your job seriously.

JAKE: Hey, I do take my job seriously. I put away bad guys. That's what matters.

HOLT: Well, so does doing your paperwork, showing up on time, wearing proper footwear.

JAKE: That's on Harvey. That's not me.

HOLT: Well, so here's the deal. You're gonna have a superior officer babysitting you on every one of your cases. And when you show me that you can do your job... Every part of your job... Perfectly, then I'll back off.

JAKE: Okay. Counteroffer. I give you 50 bucks, and you let me do whatever I want. Fine. We'll do it your way. From this point on, I'll do every part of the job perfectly, perfecter than perfectly.

HOLT: It's "more perfectly." You said that imperfectly.

JAKE: I was testing you. You did perfectly. Quick update on the tagger situation... He is currently spray-painting our van right now.

HOLT: Police, freeze!

JAKE: Ow, ow, ow. Sandal down. Lost a sandal. NYPD, freeze! I'm here. You're busted.

HOLT: Already got him.

JAKE: We got him.

[Back at the station, Jake is writing his report]

JAKE: Oh, hey, Captain. Hi, so I was able to procure that $50 after all, and my offer still stands. Let me do whatever I want, and the $40... That's how much I actually have... is yours. No? Fair enough. I only had 30 anyways. Well, I guess in order to get you to stop micromanaging me, I'm gonna have to get back to the most important piece of police work there is: Writing a perfect report

HOLT: Good, I'm anxious to read it.

JAKE: And I'm anxious to restore my status as a lone wolf. [Howls]

HOLT: Anything else, Detective?

JAKE: Yeah, I'm gonna do one more. [Howls] Lone wolf. He's digging me.

[Clicks tongue]

[Jake approaches Sergeant Jeffords’ desk]

JAKE: Hey, Sarge, do you know where we keep the glitter? Just wanna make sure this report for the Captain is extra sparkly.

TERRY: What are you doing, Peralta?

JAKE: Look, if I have to do things his way, I'm gonna do them my way.

TERRY: [laughs] Okay, man. It was nice working with you.

JAKE: I'm not scared of him, okay? I'm not scared of anyone. Oh, also, The Tagger drew a penis on your minivan. I'm sorry. Please don't chase after me.

[Jake runs away from his desk]

TERRY: [stands up] What? There's a penis on my minivan?

BOYLE, DIAZ AND SANTIAGO AT THE JAY STREET APARTMENT

AMY: High ceilings, three bedrooms. Why does every perp have a nicer place than I do?

ROSA: You know what they don't teach you at the academy? It's better to be a criminal.

CHARLES: Oh, no. The cabinets are blue.

AMY: Tacky. Not a deal breaker, though. I'd just repaint it.

CHARLES: The psychic predicted the drugs would be found in something blue.

FLASHBACK [Slow motion] CARLENE: I see the color blue.

CHARLES: She also made this really depressing prediction about my life.

FLASHBACK [Slow motion] CARLENE: She will never love you back.

CHARLES: And if she's right about where we find the drugs, that means she's right about the other thing.

AMY: Uh-huh. Kitchen. Whoa. Jackpot. There's way more than 12 keys in here.

ROSA: Where was it?

AMY: Baseboard, behind the hamper.

CHARLES: What color was the hamper?

AMY: Green.

CHARLES: Yes. The clothes hamper was green. The clothes hamper was green! Drinks on me.

ROSA: [laughs] You're weird.

AT THE 99 STATION

JAKE: Sorry this is taking so long. Still writing up my report. Pretty detailed. Hey, Gina, can you look up what the humidity was about an hour ago and also what moon cycle we're in?

GINA: No, sorry. Don't feel like it, no.

JAKE: Thanks, Gina. And now to you. What's your name?

PRIVILEGED KID: My name is Banana Fartman, MD.

JAKE: I don't believe you. Come on, man. Just tell me who you are. I need to fill this thing out perfectly, so my boss will get off my back. Are you a minor? How old are you?

PRIVILEGED KID: I'm 610. I'm a highlander.

JAKE: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna put that in there. And then you're gonna be tried as an adult highlander. And they're gonna cut your head off. Is that what you want?

[Charles approaches Gina’s desk]

CHARLES: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your psychic friend's predictions about the drug case were wrong, which means all of her predictions are wrong.

GINA: Mm-mm. No way. She's never wrong.

CHARLES: We found the cocaine behind a green hamper. Never said green or the letter "H."

GINA: Mm-hmm, she said "blue" and "yellow," Charles. I don't know if there's any kindergarteners present, but those two colors combined make green. She also mentioned the letters "L" and "B," and another name for a hamper is...

CHARLES: Lady bin?

GINA: Laundry basket. Oh, little boo-boo. Can you go be depressed over there? You're bumming out my whole area.

[Terry is at his desk, calling his wife]

TERRY: Baby, I've got some bad news. Someone painted a giant penis on our minivan. No, you cannot have an SUV now. Those things roll, baby. They roll!

[Jake is at his desk with the privileged kid]

JAKE: Hey, look at this. Your prints were on file. Nice to meet you, Trevor Podolski. Oh, Podolski, just like Deputy Police Commissioner Podolski. Your father is Deputy Police Commissioner Podolski.

TREVOR: I’m not sure how things work here, but does that mean that your career is in my hands?

JAKE: Okay, you know what? [pause] Yes.

[cuts to Gina, Amy, Rosa, and Charles in the evidence room measuring drugs]

AMY: 20.2 kilos. I feel like we could round up to 21.

GINA: Or we could round down to 20, take the extra 0.2, sell it to our friends.

[everyone stares at her and she giggles]

AMY: I’ll call the D.A. Rosa, you log this in. Charles, maybe watch Gina.

[Gina laughs quietly]

ROSA: So what are you doing tonight?

CHARLES: Nothing. What about you... are doing tonight?

ROSA: Nothing.

GINA: [holding up Carlene’s business card and whispering to Charles] Carlene.

CHARLES: Whelp, I hope you find something to do. [chuckles] I’m gonna pee. That’s what I’m doing tonight. No.

[cut to Jake in the Captain’s office with Holt]

HOLT: Deputy Commissioner’s son, huh? His decision to target cop cars makes a lot more sense now.

JAKE: We gotta let him walk, right?

HOLT: He defaced nine police vehicles, and you caught him red-handed. Why would you let him walk?

JAKE: [chuckles briefly] Captain, I did all the work on this perfectly. [pulls up his report] I mean, my report has over 25 pages of meticulous research, diagrams, and maps. I even put an “About the Author” section on the back. [flips it to show a dramatic picture of him on the back] I did everything you asked me to do. But this is above my pay grade. You gotta make the call.

HOLT: You’re the arresting office. It’s your call. I told you to do every part of your job, and making this call is part of your job.

JAKE: Yeah, but you think I should process him.

HOLT: Mm-hmm.

JAKE: Well, if I do, the Deputy Commissioner could ruin my career, and I’ll end up on the streets selling my beautiful body for a can of beans.

HOLT: Mm-hmm.

JAKE: Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like a statue?

HOLT: Yes.

[cuts to Charles, Carlene, and Gina in the breakroom]

CHARLES: Man, you were totally right about the cocaine, and you were also right about Rosa.

CARLENE: Who’s Rosa?

CHARLES: The woman I--

GINA: The woman who doesn’t love him back.

CARLENE: Oh.

CHARLES: Yes, that woman.

CARLENE: You know, it can be a burden to always know what’s gonna happen in the future.

[Charles starts getting up from the chair but then Carlene grabs him by the shoulders and makes him stay]

CARLENE: Don’t get out of the chair! I just had a vision of you leaving this chair and getting seriously injured.

CHARLES: Oh, my god.

GINA: I should probably wheel you back to your desk.

CARLENE: That is a great idea.

GINA: Wheel you off a bridge. [laughs as she starts pushing him] I’m kidding. [starts singing] Oh, you’re alone. Uh-oh, you’re alone for life.

[cuts to the Rosa, Amy, Hitchcock, Charles, Jake, and Terry in the conference room]

JAKE: So here are my options. One, I process Podolski’s kid, he fires me, and I spend the rest of my career as a detective, third grade, which is literally pathetic. No offense, Hitchcock.

HITCHCOCK: None taken.

JAKE: Option two, I let him walk, and I spend the rest of my life with Holt as my babysitter. Honestly, when I think about spending the rest of my life with a babysitter, she’s kind of a cute blond named Erica, and she always has pizza money and lets me stay up as late as I want.

AMY: How old are you in this scenario?

JAKE: Anyway, the point is Holt cares more about whether I [in a mocking tone] “do my job right” than whether I have a job at all. So I’m taking suggestions.

AMY: I say piss off Holt, so we get to watch your career end right in front of us.

JAKE: Okay, thank you for that, Santiago. [turns to his whiteboard and puts a mark under ‘dont arrest’] I’m gonna put you down for “don’t arrest,” and I’m also going to put your phone number on every urinal in Rikers.

ROSA: Don’t arrest him. Just smack him. Hard. With a phone book on a body part no one can see, you know what I’m saying?

JAKE: So you’re suggesting police brutality?

ROSA: Ha, ha, I guess so, yeah. Why?

JAKE: Hey, Scully.

SCULLY: Yeah?

JAKE: You want this collar? Paperwork’s all done, and it’s perfect.

SCULLY: The Podolski kid? Are you kidding? I just gave him my lunch.

JAKE: Okay. Boyle, what do you think?

CHARLES: I don’t know, man. I’m lost. The universe is a cruel and vexing puzzle. I-I’m at the whim of the cosmos.

JAKE: Alright, I’m gonna put you down for “bummer.” [starts writing a separate category labeled ‘bummer’ and putting Charles’s name under it] And you can hang out in that category all by yourself.

GINA: Hey, everyone. Hey, Jake, there is a very sexy, angry official here, Deputy Commissioner Podolski. He’s asking for you. Very angry. Elderly, sexy, furious. [walks away]

JAKE: Well, my career is over. See you at the bottom, Hitchcock. No offense.

HITCHCOCK: No, none taken.

[Jake walks over to the DC Podolski]

JAKE: Deputy Commissioner.

PODOLSKI: Where’s my son?

JAKE: He is at my desk, enjoying a nice glass of bubbly water and some chocolate I was saving for a special occasion.

AMY: Hey, Peralta, when you’re done, can you help me wrap up this massive cocaine bust I just pulled off? [pats Jake’s shoulder] Thanks. Oh, Deputy Commissioner, didn’t see you there. Sorry for interrupting. Amy Santiago.

[Jake and Podolksi walk over to Jake’s desk]

PODOLSKI: Trevor, what’d you do this time?

TREVOR: Nothing.

PODOLSKI: There you have it. He said he did nothing.

JAKE: So I caught him red-handed doing nothing?

PODOLSKI: I’m saying maybe it’s a possibility you made a mistake.

JAKE: You know, normally, I would agree with you, but I’ve been pretty detail-oriented the last few hours.

PODOLSKI: You might not understand this, but Trevor is a special kid. He makes straight A’s. He’s going to Duke next year. Lacrosse scholarship.

JAKE: Oh.

PODOLSKI: Sometimes, boys just need to be boys.

JAKE: You do realize he did thousands of dollars worth of property damage, though, to police vehicles.

PODOLSKI: Look, I think we can all agree that I’m ordering you to let this slide because nothing happened. This is officially out of your hands.

JAKE: Would you actually mind just checking out my report? It’s pretty thorough, and I spent over an hour on fonts. Kinda snazzy, so…

PODOLSKI: Oh, thank you. I’ll get right to it.

JAKE: Thanks.

PODOLSKI: Trevor, let’s go.

JAKE: Have a good one.

[as Podolski walks past Jake, he throws Jake’s report in the trash]

[cuts to Charles wheeling himself to the fridge]

CHARLES: Choo. [opens fridge] Yes.

ROSA: What’s up with the chair?

CHARLES: Um, Carlene predicted if I get out of this chair, I’d get badly hurt, so I’m not chancing it. Oh, man. There’s no more pudding cups left.

[Rosa punches Charles in the arm]

CHARLES: Ah! What’d you do that for?

ROSA: There. Now you’re hurt in this chair. You can get hurt anywhere, Boyle. And if you do, it won’t be because some shoe salesman predicted it. You make your own destiny.

[cuts to Jake entering Captain Holt’s office]

JAKE: Well, we don’t have to worry about Podolski’s son anymore. The case is officially out of my hands. No charges filed.

HOLT: Why is there yogurt on this?

JAKE: The Deputy Commissioner threw my report in Terry’s trash can, and he’d been eating yogurt earlier.

HOLT: Terry loves yogurt. [Jake looks away and crosses his arms] Something wrong?

JAKE: Kinda, yeah. I called six precincts about this kid. He’s been brought in a dozen times. Theft, vandalism, drunken disorderly, but he’s never been processed. His daddy comes in and bails him out every time. He’s a lucky little jerk.

HOLT: No, I wouldn’t say he was lucky. I feel bad for this kid. I mean, what kind of father cares so little for his son that he lets him get away with everything? Well, he’s someone else’s problem now. Like you said, it’s out of your hands.

JAKE: Alright, I see what you’re trying to do, but it’s not gonna work. I’m not going to arrest him. I’m going to arrest him!

HOLT: [points at Jake] You want backup?

JAKE: Yes.

[cuts to Jake and Holt in a vandalised police car pulling over Deputy Commissioner’s car]

PODOLSKI: [gets out of car] What is this? You can’t do this. Get that thing out of here.

JAKE: Excuse me, sir. Trevor Podolski, you’re under arrest for vandalism and destruction of property.

TREVOR: What--Dad!

PODOLSKI: What are you doing? I told you to back off, Peralta.

JAKE: First off, the name’s Santiago, Detective Amy Santiago. Second, I’m arresting your son, which, as I say it aloud, seems like an unwise choice, but it’s the one I’m making. Once again, my name is Amy Santiago.

PODOLSKI: You’re being stupid, Peralta. Don’t be stupid. I can make your life miserable.

HOLT: Commissioner, please don’t talk to my detective in that tone. If you have a complaint, you can take it up with me.

PODOLSKI: You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, Holt. I’m gonna be watching you, both of you, like a hawk.

HOLT: You’re gonna have to try a little harder if you wanna scare me. I’ve been an openly gay cop since 1987, so you’re not the first superior officer to threaten me. You know how I’m still standing here? ‘Cause I do my job, and I do it right. [walks back to police car]

JAKE: Damn, son!

HOLT: Don’t say “son.”

JAKE: Sorry. Deputy Commissioner, if you wanna pick Trevor up, he’ll be at the Nine-Nine. [walks back to police car] Let’s go, Fartman.

[cuts to Morning Briefing at 8:28 AM]

CHARLES: Carlene was wrong, Gina. Rosa said it herself-- I’m in charge of my own destiny. That means she wants me to make a move.

GINA: Mm, but Carlene was also right. You did get hurt ‘cause Rosa punched you. And the fact that Rosa punched you means she does not like you.

CHARLES: No, no, she punched me to prove Carlene wrong.

ROSA: Move.

[Charles rushes to move out of the way]

GINA: Oh, wait, I take it back. She definitely is into you. So much chemistry.

CHARLES: I know, it’s crazy.

HOLT: Alright, let’s get this meeting started.

JAKE: I’m not late. I’m here. [he comes out of a tent with an alarm beeping in the background] Right on time.

HOLT: You’re out of uniform, Peralta.

JAKE: [pats him on the arm] Baby steps, Captain. Baby steps.

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