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[BRIEFING ROOM]

TERRY: Okay, squad, the funeral's at 3:00, followed by a reception at Shaw's Bar. I want you all on your best behavior.

VULTURE: Yeah, and all eyes are gonna be on us because Frick and Frack here killed Captain Dozerman.

JAKE: Hey, we accidentally startled a man with a genetic heart condition. If you really think about it, his parents killed him.

VULTURE: All right, whatever. Look, there's a horse race going off in Dubai. I got serious money on it. Dismissed.

JAKE: Oh, yeah, we should all check out that race. God. He is the worst captain we've ever had. He drew boobies on my bulletproof vest.

ROSA: He stared at me for 90 seconds while he ate an entire peach.

AMY: He heard that I speak Spanish, and he made me fire his housekeeper. She was Polish.

BOYLE: At least he doesn't practice his crane kicks with you.

[FLASHBACK—BREAK ROOM]

VULTURE: I said not to move!

[END FLASHBACK] 

BOYLE: I didn't move.

AMY: Listen, guys. Jake and I were talking last night.

BOYLE: Pillow talk alert! Set the scene. Spooning or face-to-face? 

JAKE: Charles.

BOYLE: Spooning.

AMY: Anyway, we came up with a plan. Jake is going to...befriend the Vulture so he lays off of us.

JAKE: It's true. I'm gonna bro down with him. If everything goes according to plan, we should be beer pong doubles partners by the end of the week. Now somebody get me a puka shell necklace. I'm going full douche.

[HOLT’S OFFICE]

JAKE: Okay. Hey, 'sup, bro?

VULTURE:  'Sup, Jake? 

JAKE: Got a little update for you on that Deberg assault case. Turns out the victim's wife was super hot.

VULTURE: Yeah, I read the file. She's a mom. Not interested.

JAKE: True that. So listen, I've been thinking. We got off on the wrong foot here. And I believe it's 'cause we're just too damn similar.

VULTURE: You do? 

JAKE: Absolutely. We both love premium tequila…

VULTURE:  Yeah.

JAKE: Robin Thicke...

VULTURE: Oh, yeah.

JAKE: Gots to have my puks.

VULTURE: Gots to.

JAKE: And of course, nip slips.

VULTURE: Let me ask you a question, Jake. You also like Okinawan martial arts? Because you left this in my back.

JAKE: Hmm? 

VULTURE: What I'm saying, Einstein, is that you stabbed me in my back.

JAKE: How so? 

AMY’S VOICE: We came up with a plan. Jake is going to befriend the Vulture so he lays off of us.

VULTURE: Busted. I knew that you were faking it. I'll bet you don't even like nip slips!

JAKE: So, what, you bugged the briefing room? 

VULTURE: No, Scully butt-dialed me yesterday and he still hasn't hung up.

JAKE: Once again, Scully's butt is the downfall of this precinct.

VULTURE: Look, Jake, I know that you and Santiago are trying to take me down. You guys go home, you lay in bed together, you plot against me. Well, no longer. I want you to dump Santiago, and that's an order.

JAKE: What? You can't do that. It's completely against the rules.

VULTURE: Okay, Sonia Sotomayor. I would never break the rules. But what I could do, for totally "unrelated reasons," is have you busted back down to a beat cop.

JAKE: No, don't do that, all right? I can learn to love nip slips.

VULTURE: No, you either love them, or you don't. It's too late. You dump Santiago, or you kiss that detective badge good-bye. Beat it.

[ELEVATOR]

GINA: First time back in the Nine-Nine.

HOLT: Mm.

GINA: I really miss these people, the whole crew. Jake, Terry, bleh. I forget all their other names.

HOLT: Just remember, we're here as PR representatives. I don't wanna be disruptive.

GINA: Too bad. We're like rock stars to these people. They're gonna go nuts, just like hah! Haah! 

HOLT: I would hate it if these doors opened and everyone stopped working to applaud us.

GINA: Hmm, nothing. You must be loving this.

HOLT: Yes.

[EVIDENCE LOCKER(?)]

AMY: What? He's ordering us to break up?

JAKE: Look, we can deal with this. We just need a new plan.

AMY: I got it. We lie, tell him we broke up, and then date in secret.

JAKE: Great! And you'd be okay lying to your captain?

AMY: Okay, new plan.

JAKE: Uh-huh.

AMY: Captain Holt is here today.

JAKE: Yes, genius! He loves us, and he's got tons of sway in the department.

AMY: He'll tell the Vulture to back down.

JAKE: Yeah, he'll be all "Vulture, I must insist that you desist." 

AMY: I really think this is gonna work. Also, if you ever want to bust out that Holt impression at home, I'd be okay with that. 

JAKE: Oh, okay. Duly noted, super disturbing, but I'm definitely gonna do it.

[BREAK ROOM]

BOYLE: Hey, G-spot! 

GINA: Rosa, Charles, oh, I missed you guys so much.

ROSA: Really? 'Cause when you left, you made a pretty big deal of deleting us from your phone.

GINA: Girl, that was just the showman in me. PR is so boring. I need some Nine-Nine drama, stat.

ROSA: I don't think we're that dramatic.

GINA: I've been gone one week. Jake and Amy are dating, and they've killed a person. Come on, Charles. You got to have something weird and tragic going on.

BOYLE: Nope. Not unless you call hooking up with a girl at a funeral "weird and tragic." 

GINA: Home run! 

BOYLE: Her name is Lieutenant Singh. She's super hot. We were seated next to each other two funerals ago. And there was hard eye contact all through "Danny Boy." Last funeral, we made out in the parking lot. This time...something naughty this way comes.

ROSA: Ugh. What do you even know about this person?

BOYLE:  Oh, we don't know anything about each other. She says she likes that about us. It's just pure animal attraction.

ROSA: This is creepy and unlike you. You even know her first name? 

BOYLE: Oh, um, do animals in the wild know each other's names? Look, all I know is, Charles Boyle is going to that funeral, and he's going to put the "bone" back in boneyard.

[HOLT’S OFFICE]

HOLT: Hmm, strange to be on this side of the desk.

VULTURE: Why? Oh, right, you used to work here. You know I made a lot of improvements since you left? I got a fridge for my protein shakes. I got a kettlebell station. I got a wolf that I killed in Utah. 

HOLT: I'm fairly certain that's a dog. 

VULTURE: Yeah, it was dark.

TERRY: Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need you to sign these—Captain Holt! I didn't realize you were here.

HOLT: Sergeant Jeffords, hello.

TERRY: Welcome back.

VULTURE: Hey, you know, I'm gonna stop you right there. Hugs are a form of inappropriate workplace touching. Trust me, I'm very familiar with the sexual harassment guidelines. That'll be all.

HOLT: Well, I won't take up too much of your time. Because the Nine-Nine was Captain Dozerman's last  precinct, you will be seated at the front of the funeral. I wanted to alert you that there'll be press, cameras—

VULTURE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, cameras? Crap, nobody said anything about cameras. I got to rock the bells. There we go.

HOLT: Oh, I noticed in the bullpen that you had changed the case numbering system. I found, when I was commanding officer, that—

VULTURE: I'm gonna stop you right there. You're not commanding officer anymore. 

HOLT: I was making a suggestion.

VULTURE: Yeah, look, you did a lot of good for this place while you were here, which is great for me, because I get to take credit for it. But you're not a real cop anymore. You're a desk jockey. This is my precinct now. And the sooner that you accept that, the better.

HOLT: Yes, well, I know my way out.

VULTURE: 'Cause you used to work here. I keep forgetting. Everybody does.

[OUTSIDE PRECINCT]

JAKE: Well, well, if it isn't Captain Raymond Jacob Holt. It's great to see you back at the Nine-Nine, sir.

HOLT: Yes.

JAKE: There it is, that classic Jake-Holt banter, zingers just flying around. It's like you never left.

HOLT: No, I most definitely left.

JAKE: Okay. Well, I know how much you love hot goss, so you probably heard Amy and I have been dating.

AMY: And we would love your approval.

JAKE: No. But that's not what this is about. 

AMY: It sure is not.

JAKE: Sir, the Vulture is out of control. All right, he told me if I don't dump Amy, he's gonna demote me. You got to help us.

HOLT: Let me stop you right there, Peralta. I'm not the Chief of Detectives. I'm not the Vulture's boss. I'm just some guy in PR.

AMY: But we thought— 

HOLT: I can't save your ass. I don't work here anymore. And the sooner you accept that, the better.

JAKE: Well, looks like somebody's got a bad case of the funeral crankies.

[CHURCH]

TERRY: Okay, guys, I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare and that none of us liked him. But I'm gonna need all of you to pretend like you're sad. Everyone make a sad face. Scully, you are nailing it! 

SCULLY: My wife just texted. She's leaving me.

TERRY: Good, use it. Now, anyone seen Captain Holt? He seemed a little down when he came in. 

GINA: Yeah, he let me choose the music on the way over here, which leads me to believe he's given up on life.

TERRY: I got to go find him. Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off.

SCULLY: I don't know why this is happening.

TERRY: Scully, I love it! Everyone follow his lead.

AMY: So what are we gonna do about the Vulture?

JAKE: I've got a new plan. Pretend like we're talking.

AMY: We are talking.

JAKE: Exactly. It's working already. Now I'm going to coolly run my hands through my hair. Look where my elbow's pointing.

AMY: It's Davis Garmin, Chief of Detectives. Holt said he could overrule the Vulture.

JAKE: Exactly. The only question now is, will he believe us? 

AMY: Yes, 'cause we're gonna take a page from the Vulture's book.

JAKE: "The Big Book of Small Butts"? 

AMY: What?

JAKE:  It's the only thing I've ever seen him read.

AMY: No, we're gonna secretly record the Vulture telling you to dump me. Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin. Then— 

JAKE: We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other.

AMY: You get to keep your job.

JAKE: Yes, that.


[CHURCH]

GINA: Ooh, Charles, your jump-off is here.

LT. SINGH: Hello, Detective.

BOYLE: Hello, Lieutenant.

LT. SINGH: Real tragic about the captain.

BOYLE: Yes, real tragic.

LT. SINGH: I like the way your butt looks today.

BOYLE: I've been doing lunges in the shower.

ROSA: Well, this got upsetting real quick.

GINA: I want to live in this moment forever.

LT. SINGH: I got us a motel room across the street. Meet me there in 15 minutes.

BOYLE: I'll meet you, all right. M-E-A-T. Still think it's creepy? 

GINA: Yes.

ROSA: Charles, it is not like you to have sex with a total stranger.

BOYLE: Really? Tell that to me in an hour when we've had sex 23 times.

[SHAW’S]

TERRY: There you are. You okay, sir?

HOLT:  No. Until this morning, some small part of me still believed I would be captain of the Nine-Nine again. What a fool I was. I should never have returned. It's like visiting your childhood home and seeing it's been replaced by a denim pants store. 

TERRY: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.

TERRY: Maybe the old Holt did. But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.

TERRY: Maybe you should just call it a day.

HOLT: I can't. I've been asked to deliver a toast here after the funeral, a message of hope. This is what I have so far: "Pain." That's it.

TERRY: One tweak: maybe you should lose the word "pain," and then get in a cab and go home.

HOLT: Maybe I will. But first, you're gonna have one drink with me, Sergeant. For old times' sake? 

TERRY: One drink, and then we go.

HOLT: One drink.

TERRY: My tolerance has really changed since I had kids! 

[OUTSIDE CHURCH]

JAKE: Hey, Captain. I was looking for you inside.

VULTURE: One thing I won't do is fart in church. This is God's house.

JAKE:  Oh. Respectful. So listen, remember when you said to me that I have to dump Santiago or else you're gonna bust me down to beat cop? 

VULTURE: What I remember, Jake, is you pretending to be my bro and me being like, "I'm onto you, dillweed.”

[Bagpipes]

JAKE: Oh, uh, sorry, could you say that one more time? I couldn't hear you over the bagpipes. Ugh, one second. Excuse me, could you stop playing that? Just trying to have a conversation.

BAGPIPE PLAYER: I'm warming up, man. Sorry.

JAKE: Yeah, I know. We just need two minutes.

BAGPIPE PLAYER: No can do. The funeral's about to start. Everyone wants to hear me honk, so…

JAKE:  Do you really need to warm up, though? I mean, you're just gonna make a terrible wall of sound.

BAGPIPE PLAYER: First of all, that's offensive to me as half Scottish. Second of all, you think you could do better? Blow my bag.

JAKE: Look, we just need a couple of minutes to chat. That's it.

BAGPIPE PLAYER: I'm not gonna stop playing until you blow it.

JAKE: All right, just give it to me. All right? Prepare to hear me play the bagpipes perfectly. 

BAGPIPE PLAYER: Okay. Oh my God.

JAKE: Point proven.

VULTURE: Yeah, I think I've heard just about enough of this catfight. I'm out.

JAKE: Wait, Captain! Sir! 

VULTURE: Your boyfriend—sorry, your ex-boyfriend—is pathetic. You should be glad that I ordered him to dump you. Swish. Kobe.

AMY: Got it.

JAKE: Yes! You're amazing! That was "We Are the Champions." 

[CHURCH]

JAKE: Ugh, it's impossible to find Garmin with everybody mourning all over the place. It's like they have no respect for our sneaky plans.

AMY: I know. Oh, look, there he is.

JAKE: Oh, great. Hi there.

OFFICER: Sorry, this area is reserved for close personal friends of the deceased.

JAKE: Ah, well, that is us. Dozerman and I were pretty much besties. Went on an annual fishing trip together. Cayuga Lake, caught a lot of Coho salmon. We are both so bummed that he's dead.

AMY: Super bummed.

OFFICER: Oh, right on. Come in.

JAKE: Thanks. Blessings to you.

AMY: Blessings? 

JAKE: I don't know. It's my first time in a church.

AMY: All right, how did you do that? 

JAKE: Simple detective work. There was a floral arrangement up front with a picture of Dozerman and 30 of his friends holding a big fish. Cayuga Lake, I pulled straight from the guest book. 

AMY: And Coho salmon? 

JAKE: Well, that's just something I know about from being a man of the world.

[FLASHBACK—RESTAURANT PATIO]

WAITER: Our special today is Coho salmon on a— 

JAKE: Sounds disgusting. Do you have chicken fingers?

[END FLASHBACK] 

JAKE: Impressed? 

AMY: Mm-hmm. And horrified by your eating habits.

JAKE: Well, if I'm so unhealthy, how come I never go to the bathroom? Okay, let's get to Garmin.

AMY: Yeah.

MARGARET: Hi, I'm Margaret Dozerman. How did you know my husband? 

JAKE: Oh, Mrs. Dozerman, your husband was a great man. Some of my fondest memories of him were on our fishing trips.

MARGARET: You went on those trips?

JAKE:  I did, indeed. They called me "the Coho King." Pretty much single-handedly organized those things myself.

MARGARET: So you were the one who brought all the prostitutes? 

JAKE: Uh... 

[MOTEL ROOM]

BOYLE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we slow down? 

LT. SINGH: Why? Are you not into this?

BOYLE: No, no, no. My friends are just in my head. They think it's weird that we don't know anything about each other.

LT. SINGH: I think it's hot.

BOYLE: Totally. I'm glad we're not interested in each other as human beings. Oh, how about if you tell me things about yourself and then I tell you how little I care about them? 

LT. SINGH: Okay. Okay, here goes. I'm an only child.

BOYLE: Not interested.

LT. SINGH: I was born in Delaware.

BOYLE: Who even asked you?

LT. SINGH: I like this.

BOYLE: I don't care what you like. But maybe you could tell me one more thing.

[CHURCH]

BOYLE: She's a vegan! 

ROSA: What is going on? 

BOYLE: You're right. I couldn't help myself. I wanted to know about her. And I got what I deserved: a vegan, a gluten-free vegan! 

GINA: Charles, you need to calm down.

BOYLE: No. You called it, Rosa. So go ahead. Laugh at me! Laugh! Laugh it up! 

ROSA: Can I wait till after the funeral?

BOYLE: Of course you can.


[SHAW’S]

TERRY: Sir, my life stinks. Sharon's on bed rest. My favorite mango yogurt got discontinued. And my kids think their preschool teacher's a stupidface.

HOLT: Everyone I work with is a stupidface. Especially Bryce.

TERRY: Sir? 

HOLT: Hmm?

TERRY: Sir? 

HOLT: Hmm? 

TERRY: Sir? 

HOLT: Hmm? 

TERRY: Can I be honest? Precinct's not the same without you. The Vulture's the worst. My mango yogurt— 

HOLT: Yes, you already mentioned the yogurt.

TERRY: 'Cause it's important! When I saw you in the office this morning, I wanted to give you the biggest hug.

HOLT: But the Vulture told you not to, and you had to listen. He's your captain now, Terry.

TERRY: I hate going to work and you're not there. Everything is garbage.

HOLT: Hmm. "Everything is garbage." I should put that in my message of hope.

TERRY: That's a really good idea! 

[CHURCH]

MARGARET: It took my husband and me years of counseling to get over those little backwood orgies of yours. He had sex with five prostitutes in one weekend.

AMY: Ugh!

JAKE: That's bananas! I had no idea. I was probably too busy praying.

MARGARET: You said you planned the trips.

JAKE: Yeah, I did say that.

MARGARET: Ca0lled yourself the Coho King.

JAKE: All right, look. I'm not the Coho King. My name is Jake. And your husband was only my captain for, like, a day.

MARGARET: Wait a second. Are you the Jake that killed him? 

JAKE: No, I'm prostitute Jake. I love prostitutes.

MARGARET: You need to go. You should leave right now. You need to leave right now.

GARMIN: It's okay, Margaret. Come on.

JAKE: Oh, Chief Garmin, wait, I just need to play you one quick recording of my boss.

VULTURE: You recorded me? That's not cool, Jake.

JAKE: Well, we were just taking a page out of your book.

VULTURE: Yeah? What are you gonna do next, huh? Are you gonna start wearing leather bracelets, hmm? Good luck pulling off that chunky-B with those skinny little girl wrists of yours. Congratulations. You're no longer a detective. You're a beat cop again. I just crushed your dreams.

JAKE: Okay, I know things seem really bad right now, but we just need a minute to think. [Bagpipes] Come on, man! 

[SHAW’S]

JAKE: Okay, so the Vulture has your phone. But new plan— 

AMY: Jake, we've had lots of plans, and none of them have worked.

JAKE: Yeah, but this is a good one. The new plan is: no plan. We wing it! Probably won't work, but I said it with a lot of confidence.

AMY: Jake, you got demoted. We said this relationship wasn't gonna get in the way of our careers, and it has.

JAKE: So what? We'll figure it out. I'll make my way back to detective.

AMY: Or maybe you won't. I'm not gonna let you throw away your dream job.

JAKE: Amy, this is good.

AMY: This is a six-day relationship. We don't know what it is.

HOLT: And now for a message of hope.

JAKE: Ah, a message of hope, right on time.

HOLT: Everything is garbage.

JAKE: Oh, no.

HOLT: You find something you care about, and it's taken from you: your colleague, your dream job, your mango yogurt.

TERRY: Whoo! 

HOLT: Never love anything. That's the lesson. To Captain Dozerman.

ALL: Captain Dozerman.

JAKE: Thank you, sir. I'll take it from here. Very poetic. If I might offer a counter-toast of sorts. Captain Dozerman and I, we weren't together for very long. In fact, as coworkers, our relationship was only six days. But that's not nothing. It was long enough for me to know that we had something special. And sure, there may be obstacles. Him having passed away, for example. But I'm not giving up on us. And I don't care if I get demoted. I just care about being with you...Captain Dozerman, an adult man who has passed into the nether world.

TERRY: Move over, Peralta! Move over! Okay. And if I may do a third toast. It'll be focused primarily on the mango yogurt. Don't boo me! I lost something important too, shoot.

[BULLPEN(?)]

JAKE: Thought I might find you here. So not a big fan of my speech, huh? 

AMY: No, I loved it. I mean, I wish it hadn't been at a wake. And I wish you hadn't kept referring to me as your dead boss.

JAKE: Yeah, it pretty much sucked butt...but still was somehow the best of the three toasts.

AMY: Hmm.

JAKE: Look, I don't want to break up. But I don't want to get demoted either. I just don't know what to do. I'm all out of plans.

HOLT: I have one. Holt saves your ass.

JAKE: Captain.

HOLT: I was moved by your speech, Peralta.

JAKE: Thank you, sir. That's very nice of you to say.

HOLT: The syntax was problematic.

JAKE:  Less nice.

HOLT: And your vocabulary is a true indictment of the public school system.

JAKE: Seems like you're just slamming me now.

HOLT: But the fact that you're not willing to give up in the face of adversity is inspiring. I love the Nine-Nine, and I'm not gonna turn my back on the squad. So I fixed your problem with the Vulture.

JAKE:  Really? 

HOLT: I may just be a guy in PR. But what does the Vulture love more than anything? 

JAKE: Garbage Pail Kids?

HOLT:  No. Publicity.

[FLASHBACK—SHAW’S]

HOLT: Captain Pembroke, how would you like your face on the NYPD website? 

VULTURE: Really? Yes! Yes! 

[END FLASHBACK]


HOLT: In exchange for media attention, the Vulture will not bust you down or stand in the way of you two dating.

JAKE: Sir, I don't know how to thank you.

HOLT: Anything for the Nine-Nine.

AMY: Thank you, sir. He totally approves of us.

[SHAW’S]

GINA: Whatcha doing there, Boyle? 

BOYLE: Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan. Why can't I just think with my junk like a modern man? 

ROSA: Why do you want to do that? 

BOYLE: I got divorced, and I was crushed. My fiance left, I cried for weeks. My only relationship that wasn't totally devastating when it ended was my casual sex carnival with Gina.

ROSA: Yeah, okay, But with of those relationships made you happiest before it ended? 

BOYLE: My marriage. Vivian.

GINA: Yeah, because you connected with them emotionally, something we did not do. Because I'm a higher level of being, like Her from the movie "Her." 

ROSA: Dude, you can't go through life trying not to get hurt. You should try to be happy.

BOYLE: So you think I should look for someone I can have emotional intercourse with.

ROSA: I wish you hadn't said it like that, but yeah.

BOYLE: And I should start right here at this funeral.

GINA: I'd probably wait.

BOYLE: Nope, no time to lose. Put on your sunglasses. I need to see if there's anything in my teeth.

ROSA: Ugh.

BOYLE: Oh, yeah. Charles Boyle is ready for love.

ROSA: Well, never wearing these again.

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