Brooklyn Nine-Nine Wiki
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Scully: No! No, no, no! You can't take her from me, you b*st*rd!

Hitchcock: Don't do this, Scully. You have to be strong for her right now.

Terry: What's going on?

Greg Gerg: Unit's being replaced.

[together] Come on! No!

Jake: That machine's been here forever. It's basically part of the force. Take Scully instead.

Scully: Yes, please, take me to the land of vending machines.

Jake: Can we at least have five minutes to say a proper good-bye?

Greg: Whatever.

Jake: Let me just start by saying that this machine is the best restaurant in Brooklyn, and it always had a table for me.

Rosa: I knew just where to punch it to get free food. Now I have to go back to punching Hitchcock.

Terry: Look, she still has the bags of baby carrots I requested they put in. They're black now, but they're there.

Jake: Good-bye, beautiful machine. Thank you for your service. Okay, squad salute.

[bagpipes playing Amazing Grace] ♪ ♪

Jake: You can take her away now. Well, I think we handled that with dignity.

[Vending machine crashes onto the ground]

Jake: Free candy!

♪ ♪ Opening tune plays

Jake: Okay, Nine-Nine, say hello to Michael Augustine, Brooklyn's most prolific identity thief. Last week, he walked into a government building and stole a computer containing over 100,000 social security numbers. My C.I. says that tonight Augustine will be handing off the laptop to a buyer from China, AKA the Land of Dragons.

Holt: Make sure that phrase is not in your official report.

Jake: Okay, sorry, The Country of Dragons.

Holt: I want you and Santiago to tail Augustine until he makes the drop, and then arrest him and the buyer.

Jake: Sounds good, although I could probably just take Boyle. I know Amy has a ton of work, so... Amy: No, I don't.

Jake: Really? I could have sworn I overheard you telling Rosa, "Girlfriend, please. I got hella open cases." Amy: That's something you think I said?

Jake: Word for word. No diggity, no doubt.

Holt: That's enough. Peralta and Santiago will tail Augustine. Boyle and Diaz will join them in a surveillance van unless you have a problem with that.

Jake: Sounds great. In the immortal words of Amy Santiago, "Girlfriend, please."

Amy: Hey, did I do something to you? Are you mad? Is this because I brushed all the crumbs off your desk?

Jake: What? No, I don't care about that. Do you know where they are?

Amy: In the trash. All right, if it's not that, then why are you trying to keep me off this case?

Jake: Oh, that. All right, look, the reason that I didn't want to work with you is... should I do this in an accent so that I can undercut some of the awkwardness I'm feeling?

Amy: No.

Jake: Good call. Remember when you told me that you didn't want to date cops? [in Jamaican accent] That really bummed me out, man. Amy:Jamaican?

Jake:Yeah, it was a bad choice. I'm much better at German. [sighs] All right, fine. I was kind of thinking about asking you out.

Amy: Oh, okay.

Jake: But I know that that's not what you want, and I totally get it. I think it just took me a while to totally-totally get it, and now I totally get it.

Amy: Jake, this is weird. The whole point of me not dating cops is so it wouldn't be weird at work

Jake: Okay, so let's just make it not weird, right? This is a case; we work cases together all the time, and we're really good at it, so, you know, we're professionals.

Amy: That's all I want, for us to be professional.

Jake: We're in agreement. [in German accent] It will be good and professional.

Holt: Come in and shut the door. I have some news, which you must promise to keep secret. Madeline Wuntch is making me head of public relations for the NYPD. I'm being forced out of the Nine-Nine. I don't wish to make a big deal of it, so please limit your reactions to one second; go.

Terry: What in the world?

Gina: Are you kidding?

Holt: That's plenty.

Gina: You can't leave us.

Holt: I'm not going anywhere. Madeline's not some invincible succubus. She's a regular succubus, and she can be defeated. We just need to find the letter.

Terry: What letter?

Holt: Before our current police commissioner was hired, a mutual friend told me Madeline wrote a letter to the mayor telling him it was a mistake. She apparently called her now-boss a "simpering buffoon".

Gina: Amateur; always say your insults to someone's face. No paper trail.

Holt: A copy of that letter exists in the mayor's archives. I can't go snooping around without alerting Madeline, so it won't be easy, and we don't have much time, but I need you to find that letter. Are you with me?

Terry: Oh, hell yeah.

Gina: I'm turning my phone into airplane mode.

Terry: Oh, my God, she doesn't even do that on airplanes.

Charles: Rosa, I know you don't like anyone wishing you a happy birthday, so crappy day to you.

Rosa: Still too much.

Charles: I assume you're not doing anything to celebrate tonight.

Rosa:  Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.

Charles: So since you're free, I need your help moving this old Ms. Pac-Man machine I just bought.

Rosa: Why are you so obsessed with that game?

Charles: Because it's the sexiest video game ever. She's insatiable, Rosa. Insatiable. Insatiab...

Rosa: Stop saying "insatiable."

Charles: Anyway, I bought this old machine from a bar, and I was hoping you'd help me move it. You want me to go to a bar?

Rosa: Mm-hmm. You are obviously trying to get me to go to a surprise party. Did Marcus put you up to this?

Charles: What? No, that's crazy talking. We just need to be there at exactly 9:45 p.m. and not a minute earlier. Also, there's a particular door I want us to enter through.

Amy: Why is he getting out here? I thought your C.I. said the drop was happening in a park.

Jake: Maybe he's having dinner with his sidepiece first.

Amy: Augustine has the laptop with him. We should just arrest him right here.

Jake: No, the buyer's the bigger collar. We've got to follow him in and wait for the handoff.

Charles: Okay, if you're going in, I've heard this place has an amazing bone marrow custard. [laughs] Not that I've ever had a bad one.

Jake: No. All right, let's go.

Amy: No, wait, we look like cops. We're never gonna blend in dressed like this. Okay, there, how's that?

Jake: Uh, I don't know. All I see is clothes hanging off of a genderless blob.

Rosa: You look fine. Here, wear this. Jake, you need a jacket or something.

Charles: Well, Scully left his sports coat back there. Oh, but it will never fit Jake's athletic body. Unless...

Jake: No, I don't want to do that.

Charles: You have to.

Jake: I'm not gonna do it.

Charles: You're doing it.

Amy: What? What do you have to do?

Jake: Don Johnson it.

Charles: Don Johnson it!

[Jan Hammer's Miami Vice Theme] ♪ ♪

Jake: I look like an idiot. I didn't even have time to lotion my forearms.

Amy: It's so weird wearing Rosa's jacket. There's a piece of barbed wire in the pocket.

Jake: Cool. All right, do you have a visual on... the hostess stand? Hi. Table for two, please.

Hostess: I'm so sorry. There's nothing available. We're totally booked up.

Amy: Oh, no, that's horrible. Tonight's a really important night for us. Johnny and I just got engaged, and this is where our first date was.

Jake: Oh, yeah, it would mean so much to Dora and me. I would have made a reservation, but I didn't know if she was gonna say yes, so...

Amy: Oh, I love how nervous you were, you little goose.

Hostess: You are just so sweet together. You know, I'm sure I can find room for two young lovers.

Jake: Yeah, we are lovers... together... in beds.

Amy: Okay.

Hostess: Thank you so much for waiting. Your table is almost ready.

Jake: Great.

Amy: Sorry about springing the engagement and romantic stuff on you.

Jake: No, no, no. That was great. I mean, it's what got us in here. Cheek kiss was a bit much. Very wet.

Amy: Well, I don't know what to tell you. Dora's sloppy.

Hostess:Okay, and if you'll just follow me.

Jake: Well, the honeymoon's over, Dora. We're back to being Jake and Amy, two normal cops working a job.

Hostess: All right, there you go.

Jake: Thanks.

Augustine’s girlfriend: You're the couple that just got engaged.

Jake: That's us, Johnny and Dora, a couple for sure.

Gina: Okay, according to my sources in the assistant community, the letter is right here in the fourth-floor archives, cabinet J-13.

Terry: Nice job. What's the plan?

Gina: You sneak in and get the letter. I'll distract the file clerk. Apparently, he's very into bird watching, so talking to a woman should blow his mind. And talking to this woman, it could kill him. Here, can you look at this map of a park and tell me where them hot birds hang out?

File clerk: Well, you're gonna want to, uh, avoid the, uh, great lawn, because it's basically just grackles.

Gina: Ugh, grackles?

File clerk: Yeah.

Gina: I hate grackles. They're the worst.

File clerk: Well, a lot of people think grackles are just a common bird up here, but you know what? On the West Coast they don't get grackles.

Gina: Can you give some more info for a novice bird watcher such as myself?

File clerk: You have got to know the difference between your water birds.


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