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[ELEVATOR]

HOLT: Good morning, Boyle. It's Halloween; I'm surprised you didn't put on a costume.

BOYLE: I was going to, sir, but then I decided screw that jazz. Well, I'm the only one who ever dresses up, no one ever gets my costume, and they make fun of me, so I'm done. These people don't deserve my dress-up gifts.

JAKE: Charles, seriously? No costume? 

TERRY: What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit? 

BOYLE: But you guys always make fun of me.

GINA: I have never once insulted you in my life, especially vis-á-vis your appearance.

ROSA: Yeah, man, we always love your costumes.

JAKE: Remember last year, when you came as that...person and/or thing? 

BOYLE: Yes, I do remember! Sir, permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume?

HOLT: Does it matter if I say no? 

BOYLE: No! 

[BULLPEN]

BOYLE: A-bam, bam, boom. What—the what—

ROSA: Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.

BOYLE: But—but— 

AMY: Yeah, what are you supposed to be, a sassy car mechanic? 

JAKE: No, come on, he's clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart.

BOYLE: I am not! You know who I am!

HOLT: Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis.

BOYLE: Yes!

HOLT: Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater.

BOYLE: No! 

[BRIEFING ROOM]

JAKE: Attention, squad: today is the most important day in the history of this precinct. For today is Halloween—I thought we were going to say it together.

HOLT: I never agreed to that.

JAKE: All right. As you may know, for the past two years, Captain Holt and I have engaged in an epic battle of wits. The goal: to determine who must call the other an amazing detective/genius.

HOLT: The first year, by sheer, dumb luck, Jake eked out a feeble victory.

JAKE: And last year, I let the captain win, because he's old and sad.

HOLT: Sad because the competition was so dismal.

TERRY: Is this meeting about something?

JAKE: It's about everything.

HOLT: This year's the tie-breaker, a final heist to decide once and for all the true king of the Nine-Nine.

JAKE: Halloween Heist III: The Heistening. Tagline? 

HOLT: This year, we both attempt to steal the same object, instead of Jake attempting to steal one from me.

JAKE: I gave you one direction on the tagline—snappy. But yes, we will be attempting to steal the same item: this.

HOLT: ;The crown will be locked in this briefcase, which in turn will be locked in the interrogation room.

JAKE: And so unto the briefcase goes the crown...Didn't sing it with me. We will need help, so to be fair, we're holding a draft. The captain and I have given up our overtime, so everyone who participates will get the night off. Captain? 

HOLT: With the first pick of the draft, I choose Terry.

AMY: Okay, brawns over brains.

JAKE: All right, I take Charles.

AMY: I get it. Close friend.

HOLT: I pick Gina.

AMY: Gina? 

JAKE: I take Rosa.

AMY: What? Okay, all right. Well, Captain that leaves me with you.  Let's do this.

HOLT: Hang on, Santiago. I'm not sure I can trust you. You're Peralta's... paramour. Maybe you should be on his team.

JAKE: No, no, no. Amy would do anything to win your approval, including pretending to be in a relationship with me for the past few weeks, only to betray me now.

AMY: Jake, you are majorly overthinking this.

JAKE: Maybe, but it's a risk I'm not willing to take.  You're not on my team, Amy.

HOLT: Yeah, Amy's out. By midnight, whoever has the crown will be the king of the Nine-Nine.

SCULLY: Uh, Hitchcock and I still haven't been chosen.

 HOLT: I'm good.

JAKE: Me too.

[INTERROGATION ROOM]

BOYLE: So, I see you've been assigned to guard the briefcase too.

GINA: Yup. I'm not supposed to let it or you out of my sight, if that even is you.

BOYLE: Ow, that's my face! 

GINA: Oh, sorry, I thought it was a cheap, rubber mask.

BOYLE: Well, I have exciting news. I found the perfect guy to set you up with.

GINA: After zero consideration, I'm happy to say, "hard pass." 

BOYLE: Come on. Our parents are married. Genevieve and I are dating. I want you to have someone too. You shouldn't have to slow dance alone after family dinner.

GINA: How did my life come to this? Charles, it's very sweet that you want to set me up with someone, but I do not trust your taste in guys at all.

BOYLE: I have spectacular taste in men. You would love Nadia.

GINA: His name is Nadia?

BOYLE: Oh, all of a sudden Nadia's not a cool name? You are impossible.

​​​​​[BULLPEN]

JAKE: Here, got it?

ROSA: Got it.

AMY: Hey, Jake. Can we talk?

JAKE: Yeah.

AMY: You really hurt my feelings by leaving me off your team.

JAKE: Oh, I had no idea you felt that way.

AMY: Well, it doesn't feel great to be left out.

JAKE: Right, totally, I get it. I'm sorry...Captain Holt! 

AMY: What? Why are you yelling at my boobs? 

JAKE: Because that's where the camera is. Nice try, Ray-Ray!

AMY: There's no camera, Jake. I was being serious.

JAKE: Okay fine—if you're telling the truth, then I sincerely apologize. But since you're not, I will defeat you! Haha! Ahhh! Gah! Scary witch! Scary, so scary! 

HITCHCOCK: Amy, don't feel bad. You can get in on my bet with Scully. At midnight tonight, we will steal his foot fungus cream.

AMY: Thanks, that's very kind of you to include me, but I'll have to pass.

SCULLY: The mind games have already begun.

AMY: No, I'm not part of this.

HITCHCOCK: Oh, of course not. Neither am I. Wink.

AMY: Ugh.

[INTERROGATION ROOM]

GINA: I'm not going to meet my next boyfriend through a Charles set-up. I'm going to meet him in an illegal dance competition in an abandoned subway tunnel.

ROSA: It's go time, Boyle. Holt and Terry have closed the blinds. Release the roaches.

GINA: Alternately, he could win an illegal street race in which my love is the prize.

BOYLE: Oh my God! Gina, look! Roaches! 

GINA: Ew, Charles, kill them with whatever cologne you're wearing! 

BOYLE: No, I can't! They're moving too fast! I can't kill them! It's pandemonium! 

GINA: If I die, turn my Tweets into a book! 

JAKE: Commence operation, "Oh crap, wrong vent." Oh crap, wrong vent. This was a mistake.

GINA: Nice try, losers. You blew it.

JAKE: Yeah, we totally blew it. And all because Boyle marked the wrong vent.

BOYLE: It's not my fault. I thought it was the right vent.

JAKE: Unbelievable, mister.

BOYLE: You are, mister.

JAKE: I'm having trouble even believing you at all right now. That is the last time I let Charles mark a vent.

BOYLE: I'm normally great at marking vents.

ROSA: Lock picked.

JAKE: Never, ever, never, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, never, ever, will I ever, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, never, never—I forgive you, and good-bye. 

[BULLPEN]

Wow, you should have seen us, Rosa. Charles and I were amazing. 

ROSA: I somersaulted through a window, cut the crown out of a briefcase, and replaced everything in under a minute.

JAKE: Yeah, I guess you helped a little. But...our fake argument was super convincing. And all of a sudden, we had to make it longer, and we did. Anyways, now all we gotta do is guard this drawer until midnight, and the best part about it is—Captain Holt has absolutely no idea. He is such a fool.

[HOLT’S OFFICE]

HOLT: Yes, I'm the fool. You fool.

TERRY: So we wanted Jake to take the crown? 

HOLT: Sergeant, are you familiar with the Hungarian fencing term, Hosszú Gorcs? 

TERRY: You must realize my answer is no.

HOLT: It's a strategy of letting your opponent win points early to give them a sense of overconfidence, thus exposing a much easier target for you later.

TERRY: You think he's overconfident enough? 

​​​​JAKE: I'm the smartest man alive! I'm never gonna die!

[HOLT’S OFFICE]

AMY: Sir, do you have a minute? 

HOLT: Of course. Jeffords, we'll rendezvous later.

AMY: Sir, I want to talk about Jake.  Okay— 

HITCHCOCK: Amy! Help! Our foot fungus heist has gone sideways! 

AMY: Hitchcock, not now.

HITCHCOCK: Scully doesn't know I'm in here. I stole his foot cream, but then I lost it. Amy, you're the only hope I have of finding it. You're a detective.

AMY: You're a detective! Get out of here! Go! Sir, Jake really pissed me off, and I want to help you take him down.

HOLT: Well, that's an intriguing proposition. You certainly could be useful—

AMY: Thank you.

HOLT: To Jake! I got you, Peralta! You're not fooling anyone! 

AMY: Why does everyone think that's where a camera would be? 

HOLT: Because the cleavage cloaks the camera with its curves. That will be all, spy. Sorry I said cleavage.

AMY:  Mm-hmm.

[INTERROGATION ROOM]

GINA: Charles, that is so nasty you put cockroaches in your pants.

BOYLE: When you say it like that, yeah. But Jake made it sound so cool.

GINA: How? 

BOYLE: Oh, I wasn't expecting anyone. Come in, Nadia.

NADIA: Hey, Charles.

BOYLE: What up, bro? Gina, this was the boy I was telling you about.

GINA: You're Nadia? 

NADIA: Well, my real name's Leo. Nadia's just my tag. I don't love it, but when Banksy gives you a nickname, it just sticks.

GINA: Okay, I see what's going on here. This isn't a setup—this is a setup. And all of this is supposed to distract me from the heist.

NADIA: The heist? 

GINA: “The heist?” You shut your hot lips. Charles, I don't buy it. This is an obvious trap, okay? Who are you, really, hmm? You some male prostitute that Charles busted out on some lonely pier somewhere? Well, guess what, sweetie? This is one trick you ain't gonna be turning tonight.

NADIA: I'm not a prostitute.

GINA: Okay. Right. Bye-bye, whore.

[BULLPEN]

HOLT: It's go time, Sergeant.

TERRY: Hey, Rosa. I'm not saying these are from your motorcycle, but I found these stripped handlebars outside.

ROSA: You better not have messed with my bike for this heist. Let me remind you I'm carrying a weapon.

TERRY: We all have the same weapons. Damn, Rosa! Where'd you get that? The scorpion has left the nest.

HOLT: And...Ding.

SHARON: ...​​​​​See Daddy? Come on.

HOLT: Time for the twin twist.

SHARON: Hey, Jake.

JAKE: Hey, you guys.

SHARON: We wanted to surprise Terry. Have you seen him?

JAKE: Oh, he just went downstairs for a bit, but he should be back soon.

SHARON: Oh. Cagney? Lacey? Do you guys want to take a picture with Uncle Jake? 

BOTH: Yeah! 

SHARON: You don't mind, do you? 

JAKE: Um, no, of course not. That would be so fun.

SHARON: What if we do it in the briefing room, like you're assigning them a case? 

JAKE: No! I mean, you know what would be fun even more that that is if we took a picture right here, and I could have my hand on this cabinet.

SHARON: Okay...

JAKE: Nailed it.

SHARON: Here we go. Oh, God, it was in video mode sorry.

JAKE: Take your time. I could do this all day. Matter of fact, what if we did one where I had both hands on the cabinetone on top, and then one on the front? 

SHARON: Looks good, yeah. All right, smile. Three, two, one—Cheese! Very good. Great, you guys. Let's go find Daddy.

[BREAK ROOM]

JAKE: What's going on? Aha! What are you doing? 

HOLT: Nothing—just enjoying a taste of my favorite beverage, the soda pop.

JAKE: Really? I have never seen you enjoy soda pop before.

HOLT: Hmm.

JAKE: Have some now.

HOLT: Ahh. It's delicious.

JAKE: I don't buy it. You're making the same face you made when you found a chocolate chip in your trail mix. Something's up. I'm patting you down. Damn it, nothing but a surprisingly toned set of abs.

HOLT: Why would I have the crown, Jake? Isn't it still in the interrogation room? 

JAKE: Yes. Yes. Of course. Of course it's still in there. Welp, I guess I'll see you at midnight. After you.

HOLT: No, after you.

JAKE: I insist.

[HOLT’S OFFICE]

TERRY: You drank a soda? Not sure that's the worst thing in the world.

HOLT: It was the worst thing in the world—worse than a fruit-forward Riesling. No, I'm not exaggerating. Anyhow, I cleverly ditched the crown in a trash can. Wait a minute so as to not arouse suspicion and then retrieve it.

TERRY: Got it. Hey, while I'm in there, should I get you a soda?

HOLT: I know you're joking, but on the off chance you aren't—No.

TERRY: Hi, there.

JAKE: Oh, is it? 

ROSA: The handlebar thing was fake. They were trying to distract me. I think they made a play for the crown.

JAKE: I know, but I had my hand on the cabinet the whole time, so I'm pretty confident there's no way they could have gotten it. They got it.

ROSA: Look at the back. Screws are loose.

JAKE: Damn it. That son of a bitch is good.

TERRY: Sir, we got a problem. The crown wasn't in the trash can. Jake must have taken it back.

HOLT: Damn it. That son of a bitch is good.

[BULLPEN]

JAKE: We have to get that crown back. I already changed my email to "kingjakerulez" with a "Z." Everyone's going to think I'm an idiot.

HOLT: Hello, Peralta.

JAKE: Captain.

HOLT: Midnight nears.

JAKE: Yes, it does. Tick tock.

HOLT: Tick tock indeed.

JAKE: But tick tock for who? 

HOLT: You know it's "for whom." Don't try to provoke me. 

JAKE: I didn't know that.

BOTH: I'm going to get that crown back.

HOLT: Waitwhat? 

JAKE: Huh? Will you excuse me for just one moment? 

HOLT: Yes, I too need to be excused.

JAKE: He doesn't have the crown! 

ROSA: What? Who has it then?

HOLT: I don't know who has it.

TERRY: What do we do? 

JAKE: Pull the security tape. I'll distract them. Hey, look at this. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Damn it, how did that not work? 

[INTERROGATION ROOM]

GINA: Hmm, Captain Holt said you guys stole the crown when Jake came through the ceiling.

BOYLE: Yeah, I can't believe you fell for that. You really think I'd mark the wrong vent? I've never marked a wrong vent in my life.

GINA: You're very intense about vents.

BOYLE: Yeah.

GINA: Wait, so Nadia wasn't just a distraction? 

BOYLE: No, 100% real. Handsome, cool, hair as thick as a collie's. I found you the perfect guy, and you drove him off.

GINA: Ugh. I'm sorry. I should have trusted you. Please call him and tell him I messed up.

BOYLE: Fine, but only if you agree that your first date will be a double date with me and Genevieve on a week-long trip to Turks and Ca— 

GINA: Forget it, no. Forget it.

BOYLE: No! Okay, I'll call him. Please, I want this so badly.

GINA: Fine, you may call him for me.

BOYLE: Thank you.

[BULLPEN]

JAKE: Okay, here I am taking pictures with Terry's kids. Man, I look so strong standing next to them. Should I have kids? 

ROSA: Sure.

JAKE: Okay.

ROSA: It's Holt. Whoa, how did he do that?

JAKE: Guy has an insane set of abs. Oh, look, he's got the crown. And he's headed to the break room.

ROSA: He dumped it in the trash. Did he go back and get it? 

JAKE: Nope, janitor came in and took it. But which janitor? Looks like I'm going to have to squint. His name is Al. Al the janitor. All right, it's 11:00 P.M. now; that means Al's long gone. How are we going to get his home address? 

ROSA: Who's the one person you know who's anal enough to send out holiday cards to every single employee? 

[BRIEFING ROOM]

JAKE: Amy! 

AMY: What do you want, Jake? 

JAKE: What? Why would you assume that I want anything? What I want is to apologize to my girlfriend, who I hurt.

AMY: It's "whom." 

JAKE: Why does the word "who" even exist if you're not allowed to say it? Anyways, now that I've apologized and you've accepted, can you give me janitor Al's address? 

AMY: This is related to your heist, isn't it? 

JAKE: No, no. It's about a crime. I think janitor Al is going to kill the president.

HOLT: Oh, Santiago. There's my protégé.

AMY: Let me guessyou want the janitor's address.

HOLT: Janitor? Address? Al? 

AMY: I never said his name. Well, isn't this rich. After being excluded by both of you, here I am with the power to decide who wins and who loses your little heist.

HOLT: I wouldn't have it any other way. You are my wisest detective.

JAKE: Pathetic. She can't be manipulated, sir. Amy, we are in love. I know we've never said it before, but I think this is the perfect time, don't you? 

HOLT: Love? Ha. What's love compared to the respect of a workplace superior? 

JAKE: Amy Santiago, will you m— 

AMY: Enough! Okay. Pretending to be nice to me is worse than being mean. You know what? You want the address? Here, you can both have it. Hope you're happy, you selfish monsters.

JAKE: I feel terrible.

HOLT: We should apologize.

JAKE: Yes, I agree. You definitely should now; I'll do mine later.

HOLT: Fat chance.

JAKE: Charles, I need your butt. Meet me downstairs.

HOLT: Alpha Team, this is the Golden Sparrow. Rendezvous at Drop Zone Yankee.

JAKE: When did you come up with those code names? 

[APARTMENT BUILDING]

JAKE: Okay, he lives on the sixteenth floor.

ROSA: I think we beat Holt here.

HOLT: Or did you? 

BOYLE: I'll get the elevator.

JAKE: Crap! Looks like we're taking the stairs. All right, it's sixteen floors--pace yourselves. Forget it. Run as fast as you can! Ha ha! I win. I knocked first. You're not Al.

WOMAN: You're looking for Al? 

HOLT: Of course we're looking for Al, you imbecile! Sorry.

WOMAN: He's having a cigarette on the roof.

JAKE: The roof?

[ROOF]

JAKE: Yes. I did it. I am the greatest athlete in the world.

HOLT: Al? Al? Where's Al? 

JAKE: Oh, there he is. There he is! I did it. I did it.

HOLT: Good God. Are you Al the janitor? 

AMY: Nope. I'm your worst nightmare...Amy Santiago.

JAKE: Oh, no.

[ROOF]

HOLT: I don't understand what is happening.

JAKE: Allow me to explain. Amy and I were ahead of you the whole time.

AMY: No, you weren't part of this. Get back over to the loser side, loser.

JAKE: All right. Worth a shot.

ROSA: So how'd you pull it off?

AMY: Well, it all started when I went to tell Jake how badly he hurt my feelings, and he yelled at my breasts.

JAKE: Oh, boy, I am not going to come off well in this story.

AMY: Nope. Remember when you set off the witch? You made Captain Holt flinch, which was weird, since his door as closed, but not weird, since he actually heard it over a bug he planted at your desk. It was in an old muffin that you never threw in the trash.

JAKE: That's why people throw away garbage.

AMY: How are we together? 

JAKE: Eh.

AMY: Anyway, I tapped into the bug's frequencies, so I had ears on Jake. I needed to know what Holt was up to. That's where Hitchcock came in.

HITCHCOCK: I masterminded the entire plan.

AMY: You did one small thing, and I had to explain it to you, like, 45 times. He left a tiny crack in the blinds, so I could read the Captain's lips. "Sharon and your kids will distract Jake. They'll be here at 9:30 sharp. My waffle xylophone on the cheese man.” 

HOLT: What? 

AMY: My lip-reading is not flawless. Now that I knew your plan, it was simple to disrupt. While Scully gracefully moved the witch, I got into character. Holt triggered the witch, which brought Jake into the room.

HOLT: And I threw the crown in the trash can.

AMY: Exactly as I planned. Then I sent you all here, placed an out-of-order sign on the perfectly functional elevator, made you all walk up and vomit twice. 

JAKE: Actually, it was four times, if you count all the stairwell stuff.

AMY: You thought I was just Holt's lackey. And you thought I was just Jake's girlfriend. Well, I'm my own person, capable of making my own decisions, and I decided to humiliate you both.

JAKE: Well, you did, and it was awesome. One last question: where's the crown?

AMY: Oh, it's at Shaw's Bar, the official site of my coronation.

[SHAW’S]

JAKE: All hail the crown of destiny. And all hail she who wears it, Amy Santiago, the…

AMY: Queen.

JAKE: Queen of the Nine-Nine.

AMY: I believe there's something else you both need to say.

HOLT: Gladly.

JAKE AND HOLT: Amy Santiago is an amazing detective/genius.

HOLT: Drinks are on us.

JAKE: Nope.

HOLT: Drinks are on me.

ALL: Yeah! 

GINA: Hey. I'm glad you showed up. Sorry I was acting so weird earlier.

NADIA: Hey, I don't blame you. Sagittarius, right? With Saturn where it is, you're right to be wary of new relationships.

GINA: How is it possible that a spirit such as yourself even knows Charles?

NADIA: I did an art show at Genevieve's gallery.

GINA: Oh, right, so you're not really friends, you know his girlfriend through the art world.

NADIA: Yeah. Plus, she's my twin sister.

GINA: What? 

GENEVIEVE: Hi, Leo. A kiss for my bro. And a kiss for my boo.

GINA: No.

BOYLE: A kiss for my boo. And a kiss for my sis.

GINA: No!

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