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Season 1 Episode 11: Christmas[]

< Christmas

Cold Open[]

JAKE: All right, You take the little one on the right and I’ll take the big one on the left.

NYPD! Santa, stop hitting Santa!

What’s going on here?

LITTLE SANTA: I been on this corner for six years, and suddenly this guy shows up.

BIG SANTA: You don’t own the corner. I got a charity, too.

LITTLE SANTA: “Canine diabetes?” Who cares about fat dogs?!

BIG SANTA: They can’t give themselves shots! They got paws!

JAKE: All right, calm down calm down. Boyle, frisk the skinny one.

CHARLES: I've gone 42 years without a lump of coal I’m not gonna start now.

JAKE: Are you kidding me? All right. Fine. Come here buddy.

*Fight breaks out*

CHARLES: Hit him in his fat, cherry cheeks!

JAKE: Ugh, that felt wrong.

Knife! Skinny Santa's got a knife!

CHARLES: That’s right! Boom! I just kicked Santa in the testicles! ....Merry Christmas!

Episode[]


Bull Pen:[]

JAKE: Looking good! Happy Hanukkah!

AMY: You look happy. Let me guess: your egg sandwich fell on the floor and they gave it to you for free?

JAKE: No. Can you do that? Why doesn’t everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?

AMY: I was trying to insult you.

JAKE: And instead you gave me an amazing life hack!

Oh, Amy, you shouldn't have but this is embarrassing. I didn’t get you a present.

AMY: The gift is for Captain Holt. It’s one of six gifts I got him, representing the six lessons he’s taught me: determination, wisdom, posture--


HOLT: Excuse me, everyone. As you may know, this holiday season. Detectives sometimes feel the urge to buy their captains holiday presents. Please refrain from doing that. Under no circumstances do I want a present.

Peralta, my office.

JAKE: Roger that.

AMY: Oh god. I have to return so many items.

JAKE: I know.

Holt's Office[]

HOLT: Thank you for joining us, Peralta. This is Deputy Chief Gerber.

JAKE: Merry Christmas, Chief. And a very merry Christmas to you, Captain. Ho-ho-ho!

GERBER: Captain Holt has received a number of death threats.

JAKE: Oh! I really came in here with the wrong energy.

HOLT: Captains receive meaningless threats all the time. It’s not a big deal.

JAKE: Of course, no, totally. Why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh right, because it threatens death.

HOLT: It’s a hoax. I don’t want to alarm the squad, so please keep this between us.

JAKE: Awesome. I love secrets!

Santiago got you like six presents.

GERBER: Protocol dictates Captain Holt must have a security detail with him at all times. He has chosen you for that detail.

JAKE: Interesting. And not at all surprising. I’m his favorite. Now what exactly does that job entail?

GERBER: You’ll be assigned to Captain Holt. You’ll be entirely in control of his movements. He will not leave your sight. You have the authority to make decisions you feel are in the best interests of his safety. Basically, you will be completely in charge.

JAKE: Well. I would gladly put my life at risk for this man...to have to follow all my orders. Thank you. This is the greatest Christmas ever. God bless us, everyone!

Break Room[]

CHARLES: Hey, my flight is at eight tonight. It’s domestic. Do you think I’ll be safe if I get to the airport five hours early?

GINA: I would give yourself at least seven.

Charles nods: You’re right.

GINA: Why are you going on a singles cruise anyway? I thought you were into Rosa.

CHARLES: Well, I am. But I’ve begun to feel like there is a small chance Rosa may not love me back.

Three Weeks Ago[]

CHARLES: Hey, you wanna grab some dinner tonight?

ROSA: That’s nice. And I like you as a person. But I’m just not interested in you romantically.

CHARLES: Coolio. He heads off.

Two Weeks Ago[]

CHARLES: Whattaya say we grab a drink?

ROSA: Again- that’s sweet. But I’m not into you that way, and I have a boyfriend.

CHARLES: Gotcha! Raincheck.

Five Days Ago[]

CHARLES: A rose for Rosa.

ROSA: Listen to me: the healthy thing for you to do is move on.


CHARLES: So we’ve both decided that the healthy thing for me to do is move on.

GINA: I’m impressed, Boyle. That’s very mature.

CHARLES: Thanks. You know, I kind of just realized--

GINA: Oh I’m sorry, that wasn’t an invitation to keep talking.

CHARLES: Gotcha. Raincheck on that convo.

Briefing Room[]

AMY: Peralta’s busy, so let’s just get started. Now, the captain won’t allow us to give him all the presents we bought him--

ROSA: You’re the only one who did that.

AMY: --but, we can make him the greatest Christmas card of all time! We’re going to wear Santa hats and big sweaters and take a picture of all of us in a line-up.

TERRY: Sorry, Santiago, I don’t have time for that. My psych evaluation is today. They’re gonna decide if I’m ready to go back on the streets.

GINA: Why do you care what they think? Psychologists are just people who weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

AMY: Don’t worry, Sergeant -- we’ll add you in later.

CHARLES: Uh, I have to go, too. My flight’s in... Oh boy. Eight hours. I can make it, I’ll just buy a sandwich on the plane.

ROSA: So, if Boyle, Peralta, and the sergeant are out--

AMY: Gah, fine, everyone just go.

GINA: I could take a picture of myself dressed as an elf. Elfie-selfie!

AMY: Not that but there is something else you could do.

Holt's Office[]

HOLT: Are you going to sit there all day?

JAKE: Affirmative, Stone Eagle. That’s the Secret Service codename I gave you. I’m just doing my job: watching, protecting, bossing you around. Now, for your safety, please open your internet browser and search for the words “pig” plus “jet skis.” That’s an order.

Whoa whoa whoa -- where are you going, Cold Mountain? I changed your codename.

HOLT: To use the restroom.

JAKE: I’m only asking this for your safety: is it a number one or number two? Your silence indicates number two.

Coast is clear, sir. Go go go!

(into his wrist) Cold Mountain is on the move. Cold Mountain is rolling to the can.

Psychiatrist's Office[]

HILLARY: Okay, Sergeant Jeffords, thank you for coming in. We’re here to assess your readiness for active duty.

If all goes well, I’ll stamp the release form and you can go back in the field.

TERRY: I think I’m ready. I’m no longer fixating on my fears.

HILLARY: Good, good. But today, let’s fixate on those fears.

TERRY: Okay. That sounds... fun.

HILLARY: Let’s begin by talking about your baby girls, and your wife, and what would happen to all of them if you died in the line of duty?

TERRY: ...I popped your pillow.

Outside the Precinct[]

JAKE: Well well well. We meet again. Where exactly do you think you’re going?

HOLT: Your constant hovering is going to draw attention to the situation. The last thing I want is for the rest of the precinct to get involved. I’m going home to work in peace.

JAKE: Negative, Ice Veins -- I changed your code name again -- you’re not going anywhere.

HOLT: Do you know why I picked you to be my security escort?

JAKE: Because I am a 21st century Sherlock Holmes. Boyle is my Watson, and Santiago is my Moriarty. I will defeat her.

HOLT: I chose you because the threat is not real, and I thought you’d have no problem breaking the rules and letting me do my work. Now, let me go.

JAKE: Okay. But your house is off-limits --protocol. If you really want to get out of here, we can go to my mom’s place.

Or, I can lock in you the holding cell with an armed escort. Totally your call.

HOLT: Fine. We will go to your mother's place. I guess I am curious to see where this all started.

JAKE: You’ll love it.

At the Apartment[]

JAKE: Soooo, this is my mom’s house. Just throw your coat in the closet.

HOLT: That’s a bathroom.

JAKE: ...Water closet. My mom is British.

HOLT: Why are there no pictures of you? And no

holiday decorations? And nothing but motel art... This isn’t your mom’s apartment.

JAKE: It’s a safe house, son! You been protected!

HOLT: Get out of my way. I’m leaving.

JAKE: You refused to stay at your desk, you evaded your protection detail. Sorry: I’m ordering you to stay. God, I love giving you orders!

HOLT: If you want me to stay, you’re going to have to physically stop me. Can you do that, Peralta? Didn’t think so

JAKE: Oh no! We’re handcuffed together and we’ve lost the key!

Falconer One to HQ: Stone Eagle is in the cage. Repeat: Stone Eagle is in the cage.


HOLT: I told you the death threat was not serious. So: what. On Earth. Are you doing?

JAKE: I know you think I’m just goofing around, but I was ordered to protect you -- by your boss. From here on out, we are in lockdown.

HOLT: Fine. But before we go into lockdown --

JAKE: Too late, you’re in it.

HOLT: I’d like to text my husband and tell him I’ll be coming home late.

JAKE: Fine. But for security reasons, I get to craft the message. Let’s start with a nice greeting, like

“Hello, honey.”

HOLT: You’re not crafting the message.

JAKE: Copy that -- “honey” isn’t right.

“Hello, husband?” “Hello, sir?” You call each other ‘sir’?

HOLT: Give me my phone.

JAKE: Fine. I’ll give you some privacy.

Gina's Desk[]

AMY: Maybe, put Hitchcock’s head on top of the tree like an angel? Nah. Put it behind the tree.

Thanks for helping me make this card. You’re so good at this stuff.

GINA: I know. I’m good at everything. Here’s every picture we have of Rosa. Which face should we use?

AMY: Uh, she never smiles. Is her mouth broken?

GINA: How about we...flip those lips!

AMY: Oh god.

GINA: Yikes. That’s horrifying.

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