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[BULLPEN]

JAKE: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to start clapping, 'cause I just made a major drug bust. Talking about four kilos of cocaine, $200,000 cash, and my new partner, a tarantula. I call him Jake Jr., AKA Spidey Klum, Aka Mrs. Doubtspider, AKA Joe Spiden, AKA Tarantula Basset, AKA Spi-dermot Mulrooney. 

BOYLE: AKA Tarantulina Jolie.

JAKE: What? No, Charles, have you seen this spider? That's a terrible name.

BOYLE: Sorry.

TERRY: Why do you have that thing?

JAKE:  Because they were gonna throw him away, but I couldn't do that to my furry little—ah! He's actually really scary up close.

TERRY: It's horrifying from everywhere. Terry hates creepy crawlers.

AMY: Seriously, I'm not going to your apartment if that thing is there.

JAKE: All right, fine, then he'll just live here and help me solve crimes. Get used to him, everyone, 'cause me and this spider are partners for life. He's gone. I left the cage unlocked, and he's gone. 

AMY: Somebody find him! 

BOYLE: Stay off the ground! 

ROSA: I'm good.

TERRY: I'm out of here.

JAKE: He couldn't have gone far...Unless he can fly. Can tarantulas fly?

TERRY: Jake, you better find that spider. And I'm not coming back here until you do.

JAKE: Uh, Sarge, I think I found it.

TERRY: Why are you looking at me like that? It's on my head! [Screams]



[COURT BUILDING]

JAKE: A whole hour until we testify. Hey, donut holes. Don't mind if I do. Ugh! Fish? Fish donuts, Boyle? What is wrong with you? 

BOYLE: It's takoyaki. I'm drowning my sorrows in octopus balls. I've been online dating; It's a total disaster. I've only had one match, and it was a pretty obvious catfish situation.



[FLASHBACK—RESTAURANT]

YENNIFER: My name Yennifer. You give me social security. 

BOYLE: Oh, Yennifer…

[END FLASHBACK]



JAKE: Now, I see that as a positive story. Out of all the identities he could have stolen, he chose yours, and you want to know why?

BOYLE: Because I posted my annual income? 

JAKE: Because you posted your annual income, you moron.

GENEVIEVE: Excuse me, is that takoyaki? 

BOYLE: Yeah, from Senka, right down the street.

GENEVIEVE: Oh, I love that place. The chef lets me take octopus hearts home for my dogs.

BOYLE: Oh, lucky! How many dogs do you have? 

GENEVIEVE: Oh, too many. Three.

BOYLE: That's how many I have! All right, wait, quick question. How do you keep them off the bed? 

GENEVIEVE: I gave up. I sleep on the floor.

BOYLE: Me too.

BOTH: It's better for your back.

JAKE: Wow.

BOYLE: Well, nice meeting you.

JAKE: What are you doing? She's walking away.

BOYLE: I got nervous. She eats octopus balls, and she sleeps on the floor. She's the perfect woman.

JAKE: Oh my God. Sorry, I was aiming at somebody else, but now that I have your attention...Charles? 

BOYLE: He was aiming at a terrible cwim—criminal, he probably saved the world. Do you want to have tak-takoyaki at the um, on the bench over there? 

GENEVIEVE: Sure, I was hoping you'd ask.

JAKE: My work here is done. Ugh, still fish. Oh, God.



[HOLT’S NEW OFFICE]

HOLT: Santiago, thank you for coming in. It's no secret the NYPD has an image problem.

AMY: Yeah, when I told my garbage man I was a cop, he said, "Gross." He had someone else's band-aid stuck to him.

HOLT: Police approval ratings are, pardon my language, in the commode. All the headlines are about the bad cops, but there are good cops too, and I want to put up posters that showcase some of our best. I'd like you to be on the first one.

AMY: Shut up, Ray. I mean, interesting, Captain. I'll think about it.

GINA: Wow, this is a bad idea. First off, Amy has an epic lack of swagger.

AMY: Uh, I'll have you know I have swagger. I ooze swagger.

GINA: Right. More importantly, putting up a bunch of photos of smiling cops isn't gonna change how people feel about us.

HOLT: I think this campaign is very promising. Santiago, what's your take? 

GINA: Oh, right, let's hear an unbiased opinion from your straight-up swimfan.

AMY: I think it's a great idea, sir.

GINA: Well, you can count me out. I will not pose for your posters.

HOLT: I didn't ask you, and you're not a police officer.

GINA: Yeah, I'm out.



[BREAK ROOM]

ROSA: Sarge, permission to arrest Hitchcock and Scully.

TERRY: I told you before, it's not harassment unless you can prove intent to fart.

ROSA: No, it's not that. They robbed me. They ate my Moose Tracks ice cream.

TERRY: That's funny. I wouldn't think you like Moose Tracks.

ROSA: My boyfriend Marcus introduced me to it. What? It is a delicious treat for all ages.

TERRY: Damn, Rosa, okay. Look, I think they've been skimming people's desserts for weeks, but I can never prove it. Did you see them take your ice cream? 

ROSA: No, but Hitchcock has fudge stains all over his chest.

TERRY: He's always got fudge stains all over his chest.

ROSA: Ugh.

TERRY: They'll deny everything. We need hard proof.

ROSA: So let's get it. Step one: Put a delicious pie in the fridge and cover it with poison.

TERRY: That's step one? What's step two?

ROSA: Tell their widows they were thieves.



[COURT BUILDING]

JAKE: Hey, where'd she go? You guys were hitting it off. I half expected to see you sitting in her lap by now.

BOYLE: She is amazing. Her palate is wide and deep.

JAKE: Gross.

BOYLE: And at one point when she wasn't looking, I snuck a whiff of her hair.

JAKE: Of course you did.

BOYLE: She uses one of my top three shampoos: Tahitian coconut, extra lather.

JAKE: Sounds good, Boyle. Did you get her number? 

BOYLE: Oh, we lost track of time. She had to go back into court. When she's done, I'm gonna ask her out.

JAKE: Oh, okay, okay. So what's the plan?

BOYLE: Going straight from here to the spa. Couples massage.

JAKE: Okay, seems a little intense, but given how your other weirdness lined up, I say go for it. Oh, here she comes.

BOYLE: Oh, okay. How do I look? 

JAKE: You look great. I've got a good feeling about this.

BOYLE: Genevieve, I know we just met, and I don't want to be too forward— 

JAKE: Charles.

BOYLE: But sometimes you just get a feeling about a person.

JAKE: Charles.

BOYLE: And I've got that feeling about you. I like you—

JAKE: Charles, look down.

BOYLE: I think tonight we—oh, shoot.

GENEVIEVE: They just gave me ten years in prison.

JAKE: She didn't say no.



[BULLPEN]

JAKE: Hey, buddy. Got you some of those fish donuts you like so much to cheer you up. Although, full disclosure, I couldn't find where they sold them, so that's just a chocolate éclair with lox on it.

BOYLE: Oh, thanks, Jake, but I don't need cheering up. You can eat it yourself.

JAKE: Nope. So, what, you're not upset about falling hard for a lady who was immediately thrown in jail?

BOYLE: No, because she's not actually guilty. They say she robbed her own art gallery for the insurance money, but that makes no sense. She would have made more if the art had sold. This piece, "Breastfeeding Knight," was worth twice what she got from the insurance company.

JAKE: Wow, look at that. Not to sound overly intellectual, but dem knight boobies is crazy. I get art.

BOYLE: Also, I talked to Genevieve's lawyer. He's a total disaster.



[FLASHBACK—LAWYER’S OFFICE]

BOYLE: I have a couple questions about a beautiful client of yours, Genevieve Mirren-Carter.

LAWYER: She got hit by a tow truck and sued the driver? 

BOYLE: No, she was accused of insurance fraud.

LAWYER: Oh, good, because I blew that tow truck case. Straight-up forgot to go to court.

[END FLASHBACK]



JAKE: Well, they found one of the stolen paintings at her house.

BOYLE: But she said she didn't know how it ended up there. She's being set up.

JAKE: Framed. Art joke. Continue.

BOYLE: My hunch is that it's a jealous ex-lover. A girl like that, three dogs, makes her own turkey stock, that's the kind of woman you don't get over. Look, I know you think my judgment's clouded because I like her a little bit— 

JAKE: You doodled your wedding invitation.

BOYLE: No, that's our joint tombstone.

JAKE: My mistake.

BOYLE: But as a cop, I really don't think that she did it. Something is off about the case.

JAKE: Okay, Boyle. I trust your gut. Let's go free an innocent woman.

BOYLE: Nice! My dreams are coming true. You and me, getting my lady off together.

JAKE: I mean, you know how that sounds, right? 



[PHOTO SHOOT]

HOLT: Look strong, but fair. But approachable. But professional. And fun. But not too fun. This is your job. Can you handle all that? 

AMY: Sir, "fun but not too fun" was my campaign slogan when I ran for prom queen.

HOLT: Did you win?

AMY: No.

GINA: Ames? I want to say you look great.

AMY: Thank you.

GINA: You didn't let me finish. Dot, dot, dot, for you. Great news is, it doesn't matter, because this campaign, like three out of five Backstreet Boys, is inconsequential.

HOLT: That's enough, Gina.

GINA: All I'm saying as a, if not the, voice of the streets is, this tisn't gonna work.

HOLT: And all I'm saying as a, if not the, boss here is, if you're not gonna support me, you can leave.

GINA: Fine. I will leave. I'm gonna go get a mani-pedi, and I'm gonna do some serious subtweeting, so you might want to keep off the net.



[BULLPEN]

TERRY: Diaz. Look what I found in Hitchcock and Scully's trash can: Ice cream spoon.

ROSA: Son of a bitch. You hungry, hungry hippos ate my ice cream. Why was this in your trash? 

TERRY: And who throws away a spoon? It's the easiest utensil to clean.

SCULLY: I don't even think it's ice cream. It's probably medicine. You know, I'm on lots of medicines, Rosa. I'm sick all over.

TERRY: This is ice cream, and I'm gonna prove it.

ROSA: Sarge, no. It's been in their mouths.

TERRY: What am I doing? 

HITCHCOCK: Well, I guess your little investigation has hit a dead end.

ROSA: I'll be back. Don't move.

SCULLY: Not a problem. I hate moving.

TERRY: Let it go. Let it go.



[PRISON]

BOYLE: Interesting. Yeah, something definitely doesn't add up. Did you know there's a sausage you can drink? 

JAKE: What? Are you even talking about the case? 

BOYLE: We got distracted. She has an amazing tongue. Strong, supple, great bud density. 

JAKE: Okay, I'm gonna take over the questioning.

BOYLE: Yeah, I'm too close to this.

JAKE: Disgusting eating habits. Hi, Genevieve. I'm just gonna ask you a couple of questions now, and Detective Boyle will just sit there and keep waving at you, I guess. Now then, is there anybody you can think of besides yourself that has access to the gallery after hours? 

GENEVIEVE: No, just me, and the vault is only accessible through fingerprint ID. Does Charles have a girlfriend?

BOYLE:  I just saw her mouth my name. What did she say? Is she asking if I'm circumcised? 

JAKE: What? No. Who asks that? Stop interrupting. Sorry about that. Okay, next question. Can you think of anyone that might be trying to set you up? Maybe an employee or a rival of some kind? 

GENEVIEVE: Maybe my ex-boyfriend Nick. He's an artist, a terrible one. He was always in debt and begging for money. That's why we broke up. Maybe he's resentful.

JAKE: Dirtbag ex. 

BOYLE: Oh, that was my theory, remember? Tell her it was my theory.

JAKE: Okay.

BOYLE: Wait, give me a second. I want to look smart when you say it.

JAKE: Okay. Uh, hey, Genevieve, Detective Boyle wanted me to let you know that he, a college graduate, had a similar theory that it could have been an ex-boyfriend.

GENEVIEVE: Wow. He is so smart.

JAKE: Wow, it actually worked. I've got to hand it to you, buddy, whatever you're putting down, she is picking up.

BOYLE: Oh, good. Oh, one more thing. 

JAKE: Boyle has another question.

BOYLE: Tell her when this is all over, I'm gonna rub her body in paté, and then rub it off her with a cornichon.

JAKE: I'm just gonna give the phone back.

BOYLE: Okay. Hi.



[PRISON]

BOYLE: Guard got nauseous, so we had to stop.

JAKE: Hmm, that's weird. Do you think it's because you're the two most disgusting people in the universe?

BOYLE:  Could be.

JAKE:  Yeah, check this out. Remember the ex-boyfriend that she mentioned, Nick? 

BOYLE: Call him Mr. Butthead.

JAKE: Okay, well, apparently Mr. Butthead just bought a brand-new gallery in Dumbo to showcase his art, which is weird, because Genevieve said he was always in debt. Looks like somebody just came into a ton of money.

BOYLE: Oh, and you think she's gonna want to get back together with him now that he's rich. Damn it!

JAKE:  No, Boyle. He probably got the cash from selling the stolen art. Your hunch was right.

BOYLE: Yeah, it was. My hunch, my hunch, my lovely case-y hunch! Come on, Jake, sing with me.

JAKE: That's not gonna happen. I will literally never— whatcha gonna do with all that hunch, all that hunch inside your brain? 

BOTH: We're gonna solve, solve, solve this case, solve this case right in your face! 

JAKE: We should probably leave this prison.

BOYLE: Yep.



[ART GALLERY]

JAKE: Okay, here's my cover. My name is Sherwin Lemonde, sculptor, painter, full-time barista. But once I sell my first piece, part-time barista.

BOYLE: Oh, nice. I'm Donald Hoberman-Seitz. I wear glasses.

JAKE: Is that all you got?

BOYLE: Sorry, I spent the cab ride here imagining me and Genevieve kissing.

JAKE: Okay, just let me do the talking.

DVORA: Wine? 

JAKE: Yes, thank you so much. Oh, wow, I love your outfit. I'm an artist, so I get that it's more than just tight.

DVORA: Nick likes to coat women in latex. He's fascinated by the idea of the human chrysalis in society's pupation.

JAKE: Hmm, cool. Human chrysalis and whatnot.

BOYLE: Yeah, whatnot. It's a whatnot.

JAKE: Yeah, yeah. I have no idea what a chrysalis is, but serious question: If she farts in that thing, does it blow up like a balloon? 

BOYLE: You have to assume that it would.

JAKE: You have to, right? 

BOYLE: Yeah.

JAKE: Art is so intense.

BOYLE: It really is.

JAKE: Look, there's Nick. Hey, man.

NICK: Hey.

JAKE: Is this your work? 

NICK: Yes.

JAKE: It's good. I haven't talked to anyone here, but it almost seems like you're going for a human chrysalis thing.

NICK: I'm glad you like it. I wish I could take credit, but this is society. I'm just holding up the mirror.

JAKE: Hmm? Wow. You meant that literally. Very cool. Anyhow, I'm a fellow artist named Sherwin.

BOYLE: I'm Donald Hoberman-Seitz. I wear glasses.

JAKE: So anyway, I was wondering. How'd you get your own gallery? It must be really expensive.

NICK: Art's not about the money, man.

JAKE: Totally. It's more about the...other things.

NICK: Right on.

BOYLE: This painting is called "Genevieve 416." What's that all about? 

NICK: Well, April 16th was the day my ex, Genevieve, and I covered ourselves with paint and made love on that canvas for 24 hours straight.

BOYLE: That's pretty pathetic, dude. You seem pretty obsessed with Genevieve, huh? 

NICK: Excuse me? 

JAKE: Donald.

BOYLE: I bet it really hurt when she dumped you.

NICK: What? 

JAKE: Donald, your glasses.

BOYLE: Where were you July 21st, Mr. Butthead? 

NICK: Uh... 

BOYLE: Uh, duh, uh—You were robbing Genevieve's gallery. You framed her, and I should arrest you right now.

NICK: What are you, cops? 

JAKE: What? No, we're artists. And as artists, we question everything, including certain people's whereabouts on particular dates.

NICK: Get out of here.

BOYLE: Fine, but we're taking this, because you don't deserve that memory.

NICK: That painting is $95,000.

BOYLE: I don't want it anyway. Your penis was on it.

JAKE: Sorry about that. Donald is...sucks.



[BREAK ROOM]

ROSA: Hey, you dum-dums. Ice cream. Moose tracks ice cream.

SCULLY: How do you know? 

[FLASHBACK—LAB]

OLIVER: Yep, it's definitely ice cream.

TERRY: Knew it! 

​​​ROSA: They're going down.

OLIVER: Also, whoever used this spoon...their body ain't right.

[END FLASHBACK]



SCULLY: Okay, let's say it is ice cream. But I didn't eat it; I couldn't have. I'm lactose intolerant.

HITCHCOCK: Me too. I'm super lactose intolerant.

TERRY: You're lying.

HITCHCOCK: Have you ever seen us eat dairy? 

TERRY: You know no one can bear to watch you eat.

HITCHCOCK: Check.

SCULLY: And...check.

TERRY: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.



[ART GALLERY]

JAKE: I got to say, Boyle. Nick was pretty defensive.

BOYLE: Yeah, and he's a terrible artist. All he does is have sex on canvases. Any fourth grader could do that.

JAKE: But...They shouldn't.

BOYLE: No.

DVORA: Hey, Nick doesn't like cops, but he didn't do anything wrong.

JAKE: And how would you know? 

DVORA: I'm his assistant, Dvora. He would never set up Genevieve. He's still in love with her. He keeps boxes of her old stuff lying around.

BOYLE: Ooh, can we look at, smell, and handle them? I mean, you know, for the investigation. We're cops.

DVORA: Please, take the boxes. I want them out of here.

JAKE: Oh, okay, great. You wouldn't happen to know where he was on July 21st, would you? 

DVORA: Actually, I would. He did a performance art piece that entire month. He lived in a cage on the street and never left it. The whole thing's on video.

JAKE: Okay, great. Totally. We'll just go around back and pick up the boxes. Oh, one more thing. Where in this "cage" did he go to the bathroom? 

DVORA: Bucket.

JAKE: Okay, gross. Have a good night.



[HOLT’S NEW OFFICE]

AMY: Sir, I saw my poster on the subway this morning.

HOLT: Well, you must feel like a celebrity. A regular Ira Glass.

AMY: They put a Hitler mustache on me.

HOLT: Yes, this is unfortunate, but let's not overreact to one graffito.

AMY: It wasn't just one. People drew on every single poster. They put devil horns, target on my face, this one says, "die pig," and worst of all, they didn't put the comma between "die" and "pig." 

HOLT: This is easily dealt with. I'll just issue a statement saying vandals will be prosecuted.

AMY: It's not just vandalism, sir. People have real complaints too. "End stop and frisks.” “Stop racial profiling.” “Unlawful arrest is a crime." 

HOLT: I see.

AMY: I think Gina was right about the campaign, sir.

HOLT: Hmm. I'm surprised she hasn't marched in here to say "I told you so." 

AMY: She wouldn't do that.

GINA: You're right, Amy. For once in your life, you're 100% right. I would never say that. 

Did you have enough time to read it all? 

HOLT: Yes.

GINA: Okay, good.



[BULLPEN]

JAKE: Yep, it's true. He sat in a cage for a month.

BOYLE: Ew, the bucket checks out.

JAKE: This is insane. Anything is art. Here, watch this. A statue of Jesus made out of cigarette butts. Boom, I'm a millionaire.

BOYLE: That's actually pretty good.

JAKE: I know. And I could call it "Holy Smokes." Should we really do this? No, right? That's crazy; you can't just become an artist out of nowhere.

BOYLE: Jake.

JAKE: What? 

BOYLE: The case.

JAKE: Yeah.

BOYLE: So Nick has an alibi. That's not great. But we have a box of Genevieve's stuff from the gallery. I'm sure there's something in here that will exonerate her.

JAKE: Right.

BOYLE: Oh my God. Socks and shoes. This is exactly the type of stuff I own. This is kismet.

JAKE: Oh, no, what's this? It's a receipt for a storage unit that she didn't tell anyone about.

BOYLE: It's probably nothing.

JAKE: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure it's nothing. It's totally nothing.



[STORAGE LOCKER]

JAKE: It's a bunch of stolen art.



[BULLPEN]

JAKE: Hey, buddy. Sorry about Genevieve.

BOYLE: It's okay. I'm resigned to my life of solitude. Just me and my five dogs.

JAKE: Wait, I thought you only had three dogs.

BOYLE: I just adopted two online right now. Oh, this pit bull hates kids. That's fine; I'll never have any. Add to cart.

JAKE: Okay, let me just grab that. Listen to me, Charles. You're gonna be fine. There are plenty of women out there. Strong, beautiful, smart women. How about her? She's very beautiful.

BOYLE: With my luck, she's probably a car thief.

JAKE: Don't be ridiculous. Hey, Scully. 

SCULLY: Yeah? 

JAKE: Who's the babe? 

SCULLY: Just booked her for elder abuse.

JAKE: Elder abuse, that's nice. All right, fine. We shouldn't be doing this at a precinct.

BOYLE: I really thought I was gonna get Genevieve out of prison. Then we'd cover ourselves in paint and make love for 25 hours, one more hour than her and Nick.

JAKE: Boyle, you would hate that. Your little hummingbird heart would explode.

BOYLE: I wish I didn't have a heart. I'm off to the cheese shop. And I'm buying by the wheel. [Beat] The cheese wheel.

JAKE: Yeah, I got it.



[HOLT’S NEW OFFICE]

HOLT: Gina, as you predicted, there was some backlash to the poster campaign.

GINA: Yes, I'm the Nostradamus of your shame.

HOLT: I think a problem the police have had is our inability to admit our mistakes, so this campaign was, um...a mistake. You told me that, but I got defensive and didn't listen. I should have been open to criticism, as this department should be open to criticism. That's why I'm replacing these with...these. My email address is at the bottom, and I intend to respond to every message I receive. Before we put them up, I want to hear your thoughts.

GINA: I love them. Once again, my advice has, like, saved the city.

AMY: I came up with the slogan.

GINA: It's tacky to take credit for stuff.



[BULLPEN]

ROSA: We're here to apologize. I can't prove you took my Moose Tracks, so I shouldn't have yelled at you.

SCULLY: I'm impressed. It takes a big person to admit when they're being a total dum-dum.

TERRY: We want to make it up to you. We got you a pizza.

HITCHCOCK: Only one pizza for both of us? 

ROSA: Oh, my God. That was an obvious setup, you morons.

TERRY: You're eating cheese. You're lying about being lactose intolerant.

SCULLY: No, we weren't. Some things are just delicious enough to suffer the consequences. I'm diabetic, but I still eat sugar out of the bag.

BOTH: Ugh! 

ROSA: Just admit you took my Moose Tracks. Admit it! Admit...It. 

HITCHCOCK: Yeah, we ate it. And we're eating your pizza. So who's the moron now? Ooh, stomach.

SCULLY: Oh, yeah. It's coming.

TERRY: They admitted it. That's a victory, right? 

ROSA: No, Terry. There are no winners here.

SCULLY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Coming through, coming through! Move it! Move, move, move, move, move, move, move! 



[BULLPEN]

JAKE: Getting in a little late there this morning, Boyle. Where you been? 

BOYLE: Cursing out my own shadow for hanging out with a loser like me. Also an eye doctor appointment.

JAKE: Well, there's something in the holding cell that might cheer you up.

BOYLE: That's Nick's assistant. Why is she here?

JAKE:  After you left last night, I was thinking about the 24-hour sex painting, "Genevieve 416." Check out the date on this receipt from the storage locker with the stolen art.

BOYLE: April 16th. 416!

JAKE: Exactly. She couldn't have rented it, because she was busy getting busy.

BOYLE: Oh, good one. This is fantastic. I mean, I'm not happy that she was having sex with another man, but I'm okay with it if that's what gets her off. 

JAKE: Do you seriously not hear it, because it almost seems intentional at this point.

BOYLE: 'Why would Dvora set Genevieve up? 

JAKE: Because she's in love with Nick. She used one of those latex casts of Genevieve's hand to get the fingerprints so she could break into the gallery.

BOYLE: Wow, I can't believe you kept working the case even after I gave up. That was a nice thing to do.

JAKE: Charles, I didn't do it to be nice. I did it to be amazing. And I think you're a great detective, and I trusted your gut. Go get your girlfriend out of prison.

BOYLE: Oh, thanks, man. Next time you see me, I'm gonna be all out of orgasms.

JAKE: No, you can't say that while you're hugging someone!

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